There's no motivator quite like guilt

I just received an email from someone that I can only presume is the grand pubah of the PTO at Morgan's elementary school. I wouldn't know yet because WE HAVEN'T STARTED SCHOOL YET. But that's neither here nor there because I'm already getting emails fraught with despair over the fact that there may not be anyone to man the popcorn machine at the back-to-school barbecue or that a child might have to go down the water slide without four adults standing by. As you can probably tell from my tone, I'm thinking that these are not earth shattering positions that must! be! filled! But what you probably can't tell is that I'm fighting myself to not volunteer.

You see, guilt is a strong motivator. While on the one hand, I would like to actually sit back and enjoy my child's very first back-to-school EVERYTHING, the other part of me is feeling guilty about not volunteering. I mean, I feel like I should contribute. I am now part of this new community, and as in everything I do, I like to give it my all.

Like this morning, when I *had* to make homemade waffles for the kids because Bennett asked for waffles. I mean, the kid calls toast, bagels, muffins, pancakes, and pretty much any other bread-like breakfast substance a "waffle", but that is beside the point. And forget the fact that I had to practically bribe Morgan to pass on the cereal for just one day. Noooooo. It was more important that I cook a hot, home cooked meal for their breakfasts. Because I'm feeling GUILTY that I will likely not be able to do it much during the week once school starts.

Oh and also? This morning? When Bennett decided to poop just as I was walking out the door, already late for the 9am spinning class (see previous mention of hot homemade breakfast), all I could think about is how disappointed those people in the spin class would be that I wasn't there. So, I quickly got him changed and we high-tailed it over to the club and I was only a few minutes late. Because I would have felt guilty if I had not gone to that class. Where people look for me.

Another reason I was running late this morning was because I had to prepare a roast in the crock pot to cook all day. So that dinner will be ready early without too much fuss. Because I have a meeting to go to tonight. A BIG Town Hall Meeting where they will be discussing the new location for the new state-of-the art school facility and, of course money. Which totally stresses me out and makes me have pre-meeting guilt because I have already been asked for thousands of dollars to be donated in my child's name to the school (a single thousand dollars will cover the holes in the budget) and I know that they will need more. Education is very important to us, so this is where I'd like to donate money. Particularly on a new facility, that will also be a preparatory high school. And will benefit BOTH of my children. But, hey -- remember I quit my job about 9 months ago?? So, here I sit, feeling guilty over what I would be able to give if I was still working versus what we are able to give now.

So, I'm sitting here, willing myself to NOT volunteer for something at the BBQ. I already volunteered to go to the school for a pre-school-starting-spruce-the-place-up day. But that doesn't seem to satisfy the guilty feeling of denying these poor kids their sno-cones at the BBQ.

I'm so selfish.