Moving on

Over the past few months, there's something that I've avoided talking about here. Mostly out of concern for the other individual, but also because I've been processing this whole time. Well. You know what? This is MY blog. This is about MY life and what's going on with ME. And now I've got something to say, dammit. So be it.

Several months ago, a good friend of mine and I endured what I'll call a friendship fracture. It's long and it's complicated and out of concern for her, I won't be getting into the details. We discussed the issue at the time, but since then, things have never been the same. I apologized for my part in the fracture, but never received an apology. At the time, I mostly wanted to make sure that I didn't lose this friend, and therefore resolved it within myself to put up with the issue that was still very much prevalent in the relationship, even without an apology from her.

Like I said, things have not been the same since and, having to bear the burden of being the only one to have apologized, the only one who agreed to make things different, and also now being the only person making an effort to repair the friendship, I wasn't too sure about it. But I felt like this particular person was worth it. Even despite the way that she put the burden of everything on me. I continued to invite her and her family to do things, but often times we'd get a last minute response or no response at all. She has also made some not very nice comments to me. I honestly want to believe that she didn't intend them to come across the way that they did (she tends to be a negative person), but how long am I supposed to go on pretending that the words she says or the actions she takes don't hurt? So, I made up my mind that I was done.

But then, I found out that she was going through a hard time. Being the softy that I am, I reached out to her and let her know that I was hoping for the best for her. Again, I extended myself to her and again, she treated me like crap. So, if I wasn't done before, I'm totally done now. A person can only take so much crap before they just shrug their shoulders and move on.

Here's me. Here are my shoulders all shrugged up. Here's me moving on.

But you know what? It's hard. I'm a person who has lots of friends, but only confides in a few people. She was one of those few people. And now I find myself without that confidant. And it hurts. Even as much as I know I don't want to subject myself to her and the issues that surround her, I also miss having her as a friend.

I know that I'll find someone else to confide in. I'm meeting new people every day. People I have a lot in common with. People who may become that type of friend. But that kind of friendship takes time to foster. And for the time being, while I am friends with many, I'll still feel a certain kind of loneliness.

Every person I'm meeting, I'm wondering to myself if this is the person who will become my new confidant. NO PRESSURE! Thank goodness these people can't read minds. This is worse than dating!! For example, I've been chatting it up with this one woman who's son plays soccer with Morgan. He's about to turn five and she also has another son who is about 13 months old. The same age split as my kids. And today? I found out she goes to the tennis club. And was actually there working out in the weight room at the same time as I was this morning! Hello! Coincidence?? I think not! We didn't figure this out until we were at soccer practice, but we practically made plans to get together to workout before next soccer practice. (Okay, maybe that is a bit of a stretch, but she DID tell me that maybe we'd see each other before next week.) And that's just one example. Imagine this a hundred times over as I'm meeting parents of the incoming kindergartners, parents at the tennis club, other people in the community, etc. It kind of becomes a lot.

And all the while, I still have that lonely feeling in my heart. Not like I can't confide in others like my husband or my mother. But there's something about having a really good girl friend. There's something about having someone who'll sit on the phone and cry with you over how hard it is to be a parent. Someone who'll laugh with you when you tell them that you forgot to bring your underwear to the gym. Someone who you can tell your deepest secrets to, knowing that they will keep them safe. Someone who'll be there, whenever you need them.

I've had these kinds of friends come and go throughout my life. As life changes, people's needs change. I know that this is one of those situations and that this is the sign of progress for me. I've decided what I will not accept from a friendship and what I need from a friendship at this stage in my life. I also know that some of the people that I am lucky to call friends right now could become this type of friend to me. That's how friendships work.

That doesn't mean that I'm not feeling alone throughout the process I'm going through. And I just have to accept that. And move on.