Top Ten Lessons from my Mother

10. Ettiquette
I often wondered if my mom might have secretly been Emily Post. It wasn't like we lived some high brow life style, but it seemed like my Mom always knew the right things to do. From the timeline on writing thank you cards to when it was okay to wear what type of clothing to the right thing to say during difficult times, my mother always seems to know the answer. In fact, at times, friends have asked me for advice on ettiquette on a few occasions, and I often let them know that I will run it by my Mom. She knows everything! Hopefully some of this has rubbed off on me.

9. Go to church, every Sunday
I remember fighting with my Mom on some Sundays, not wanting to go through the effort of getting ready for church, making the 20 minute drive there and sitting through what I deemed to be a boring and lengthy service. However, if it weren't for that being ingrained in my heart and soul from an early age, I am not sure that myself or my family would have our relationship with God that we have now. She must have known how my soul would long for the filling up I get on Sundays and how that would lead me down the path of a stronger walk with the Lord.


8. Never put something in writing you wouldn't want someone to see
I am pretty sure this one has bitten me on the butt several times, but I often have my mother's voice in my head as I put my proverbial pen to paper, whether it be an email, a blog or an actual letter. I always keep this exact quote in mind. It not only helps keep me honest, but it also forces me to be empathetic.

7. Don't let people take advantage of you
I wasn't too old when my mother first recognized that I was a strong personality and often attracted a certain type of "friend" who needed guidance or help from a stronger person. My mother was always cautioning me to make sure I wasn't being taken advantage of by various friends who might not have been as good for me as was trying to be for them. I have a tendency to want to help, or "fix" these friends and it's lead to many heartbreaks for me. My mother was also fairly good about limiting the "I told you so's". :)


6. It's not easy to be a good parent, but it is easy to be a bad parent (Also known as: If I didn't care, I would let you do that)
My parents modeled this lesson by example. They were very strict with myself and my brother growing up and while it was hard to understand why then, being a parent now I realize how discipline and consistency are the keys to good parenting. We've often talked about the easy way out (giving in to what the kids want) vs. the hard way (being consistent) and I've seen it pay off with my own kids as they've grown. I only hope my fortitude will remain as we enter the teenage years! 


5. Make traditions, make memories
 This isn't a lesson that I was explicitly taught, but it was one I learned by being in a family that was really close and that thrived on traditions and made lots of memories. Some of these traditions, I've carried on into my own family (hamburgers on Christmas Eve, birthday dinners, etc) and I've even made new traditions. When I think back to my own childhood, it was even the tiniest of traditions that created the biggest memories. I hope my kids will be able to look back and have the same feelings I have.

4. Give lots of hugs and even more kisses


This is another lesson that nobody had to teach, I just learned. I remember even when I was much too big to be crawling into my momma's lap, sitting there basking in her love. Uncounted hugs, uncounted kisses - given freely to me just for being there.

3. It's not all about you
My mother has always taken time out for others. I've seen her lead this lesson by example my entire life. If someone was sick, she would bring them dinner. If there was help that was needed at school or at church, you would most likely find her there helping. She got us involved too. We would help buy and give gifts to those less fortunate than us as kids. Heck, she even keeps track of how often she can give blood (she is often low on iron and can only give so often), and when she can she does. She taught us that there is more to life than us. That we are not the center of the universe, that we are part of a community and that it's important to give back.

2. Take time for yourself, you are important too
Lest you think my mother was some sort of martyr that only gave and never took care of herself, please let me be the one to tell you that my momma is a well rounded lady. She has bridge nights, couples' bridge, golf, handbells, choir, dinners/breakfast and movie nights with friends,  mah johng, etc. The list goes on and on and it always has. She has a life. She is not defined by being a wife or a mother or any one thing. She is well rounded and I love her for teaching me that lesson.


1. You can do anything you set your mind to
My mother would regularly say this to me. Exactly as I've stated it above. There was no doubt in her mind and therefore little room for doubt in mine. If I wanted something, all I had to do was decide I wanted it and do the work and it would be mine. I cannot even begin to explain how big a role this lesson has played in my life. I only hope I'm able to do the same for my children.

My Momma. She's pretty amazing, right?

Welcome to the world, Landon Lee

I don't know if it was the uncomfortableness of my exploding belly and my aching hips or if it was the anticipation of what was to come when I awoke, but I did not sleep all that well the night before my scheduled induction. I had everything ready to go the night before and rolled out of bed to prepare myself to meet my new son later that day, with any luck. My induction was scheduled to start at 7:30 on Thursday morning, April 21st. Morgan and Bennett had school, so my Mom agreed to stay behind to drop them off at their respective schools and then meet us at the hospital after. They were so excited about the events of the day (also including their own activities at school - an egg drop for Morgan and an Easter party for Bennett) that they were both up and ready to go when Lance and I left for the hospital. We got plenty of hugs before we set off, and we made it to the hospital at just the right time. My nurse, Carla, immediately took me to my room to get me started. I got into my most fashionable hospital gown, got into the bed and was waiting for the nurse to come check me and get my IV started.

Now, I was certain that I would be at least 2-3cm dialated since my last check, a week earlier and before another week's worth of contracting was 1cm. Therefore, you can understand why it was such a surprise to me when Carla said, "1cm and still thick and far back". Those were not the words I wanted to hear, but Carla assured me that we would be holding my baby in my arms later that day. Carla was great about explaining to a new-to-induction mother the process and also dispelling any misconceptions I had. I was particularly worried about how much pain I'd be in with the pitocin and when I'd be approved for the epidural. She assured me that we could do the epidural as soon as I was ready for it, so I was relieved to hear that. She began to prepare me for the pitocin by inserting an IV for fluids. She took a look at my swollen hands and warned me that this might be hard. She searched for good veins, gave it a try and went to get help. They finally were able to get it into a vein on the back of my right hand, which is less than ideal, but better than the alternatives. Once the IV was in, she gave me a bag of fluids to prepare me for the epidural and then started the pitocin at 8:30am. Carla let me know that she would be monitoring my contractions and would be increasing the dosage of pitocin every half an hour until they had me where they wanted me.

I began to feel contractions within fifteen minutes, but they were the same as I'd been having. After 30 minutes, Carla came in and increased the pitocin. Pretty soon after, my mom showed up and we started a game of spite and malice (card game) to help pass the time. I won one hand before Carla came back in to increase to dosage again. I won another hand as the contractions started to get stronger. It was during the third hand that I was unable to concentrate on the game anymore and I knew it was time to ask for the epidural. Carla told me she was going to check me again before they gave it to me and I was so fearful that there was going to be no progress, given that I am used to being in labor and not progressing until I am in so much pain I can't talk. Carla checked me around 11am and I was pleasantly surprised that I was at 3cm already, though he was still high up. I could tell he was high up because during every contraction, I felt the pressure of his body being pushed under my ribs. With my other labors, the pressure had been mostly low and in my back. This time was a lot different. Nevertheless, I felt more comfortable getting the epidural knowing that I was progressing.

The anesthesiologist came in to give me my epidural and I let him know how difficult it had been on my previous two births to get it in right. He was great about letting me get through the contractions and letting me know what he was doing so that I could anticipate when I would be expected to hold still. The contractions were really strong by this point, and even though he did a great job getting the epidural in, it still took a few tries. This was one of the toughest parts of my labor (as it usually is) since the pain was so high and I had to sit so still. An added challenge on this birth was that I was so big and the baby still so high up, it was hard for me to round my back properly. Ultimately, we got it done and the epidural started to take effect within fifteen minutes. Sweet relief!

With the epidural, I was able to relax, chat with my mom and Lance and wait until it was go time. I know they checked me around 12:30pm and I was still at 3cm, so they sent my doctor in to break my water. That seemed to help move things along because the next time they checked me, I was at 6cm. Things were really starting to progress. By 2pm, I was starting to feel some uncomfortableness again and thought it was because they'd had me on my left side. I tried to flip over to the right side (with some help from Lance) but that didn't help either. I was feeling the contractions again. I let Carla know and she told me that she though the baby had probably moved down into the birth canal and things were really starting to happen. She would check me again soon and find that I was almost at 10, but I needed a little more progress on my left side, I flipped back over to my left side. In the midst of all this, they called the anesthesiologist back in to give me a little bit more on the epidural and that worked within 10 minutes. Around 2:45, we did a test push to make sure I could still push with the epidural and with that confirmed, we waited for the doctors to arrive. Even though I was under the full influence of the epidural, I did feel some slight pressure to push, but was able to wait until everyone was ready. Shortly after 3pm, I was given the okay to push. I was extremely emotional at this point, and started bawling. I thought about how long I've been waiting for this little guy and the fact that I would have him in my arms so soon was almost too much to take in. But, it wasn't time to cry, it was time to do my job. I pushed hard for three pushes and then they told me to stop. I heard them suctioning the baby's nose and mouth and knew that he was almost here. More tears. One more push and out he came, a really big boy, born into this world at 3:14pm! The pediatrician actually missed the birth since it happened so fast and everyone seemed really impressed with my pushing. Not sure why that made me feel good, but I guess when it's your job to do that and everyone is impressed, you have to feel good. :)


This is the point where they ask if you want the baby on your chest. To be truthful, I'm the kind of girl that wants the baby all cleaned up before they give him to me, but for some reason when they asked this time, the answer was yes, please put him on my chest. Not sure if it was the weeks and weeks of anticipation, or knowing that this is my last baby, but I really needed to see him and hold him right away. I wasn't disappointed either. I looked at him and fell in love. All that time of wondering who he would look like and here he was, looking right at me.  A great combination of Lance and myself. Lance's forehead, eyebrows, eyes and my nose, chin and chubby cheeks. From what I could tell, he looked a lot like Morgan did as a baby. He had blondish hair and lots of it and tons of rolls on his legs and arms. Everyone kept commenting on how big he was and he really felt substantial in my arms. My boy.

They took him to do the Apgar and weigh him. We could hardly believe it when they placed him on the scale. 9 lbs 9 oz!! WOW! Considering both Morgan and Bennett weighed in at 7 lbs, 11 oz this was out of nowhere! Then the nurses started commenting on his umbilical cord. I thought maybe there was something wrong with it - maybe there was a knot or something and immediately started to get concerned. But the strange thing was that they were smiling. I asked them what they were talking about and they said that he had a huge cord and it was no wonder he was so big, I was providing him with all kinds of good stuff. I smiled, happy to hear all the positive comments. They gave him his Hep B shot and gave him back to me. He was making a sound that they didn't really like, so while they swaddled him and handed him back to me, they warned me that if he didn't stop making that sound, they were going to have to take him to the nursery. Lance and I looked him over and we decided that he did, in fact, look like a Landon (our first pick name). We named him Landon Lee, Lee being mine, my mother's and my grandma's middle names.

Now, I guess it wouldn't be a birth of one of my children if they weren't taken immediately to the nursery. Morgan had a heart murmur, Bennett had a weak cry, and now this baby was making a sound like he had "stuff" he couldn't get out. I tried to nurse him and see if he would stop making the sound, and they thought it had worked because he sounded better momentarily, but then he started again. I decided I'd rather they take him and make sure he's okay and so they took him to the nursery to suction his stomach. Lance went with them and said that they suctioned out 4cc of fluid. Apparently this isn't that much, but it was thick mucus and afterward he was doing great. While Landon was in the nursery, I called my friend Melissa who was keeping Morgan and Bennett that afternoon. I talked to both of the kids and let them know that their brother had arrived. I texted a picture of him to them and we arranged for when they would come up to the hospital to meet him. Morgan was excited to meet him and Bennett was more excited by the cookies they had decorated at Melissa's and were eating right then. :)

I sent out an email announcement, posted it on Facebook and let the whole world know how delighted we were to finally meet our little "big" guy. The emails and comments started flooding in and it was fun to read them all while I was killing time, waiting for them to bring my baby back! I finally got tired of waiting and called Lance to see what was going on. He let me know that everything was okay and they'd be bringing him back soon. When they did, I nursed him some more and he sounded much better. What a relief!

Before I knew it, Melissa was dropping the kids off to meet their brother. Both of them were so cute and so sweet with him, it was great! While they were here, Carla gave Landon his first bath and the kids watched, especially Morgan, as they went about getting our little guy cleaned up. The kids hung out with us for about an hour before Bennett started getting restless and so everyone went to dinner and left Landon and I at the hospital for some bonding time. Sweet baby bonding time. I held him and couldn't stop kissing his chubby little cheeks. I couldn't quit holding his sweet baby hands and counting his cute baby toes. This is my son. My baby. I felt this complete sense of satisfaction that my family is now complete.

Before long, Lance was back and we just took turns ooohing and aahhing over this little child. I'm such a lucky girl, what an amazing blessing.

A fresh perspective on the season

Two years ago, I was plotting my escape from the corporate world. I had short timers syndrome and I was eagerly looking forward to a day when I would only have myself to answer to. One year ago, I was completely immersed in all things Christmas. I was baking and decorating, writing Christmas cards, and wrapping presents. Last year, I had it all done by early December and enjoyed the season, rather than rushing through it as I'd done every previous year.

This time of year is stacked full of shopping and decorating. Get togethers and obligations. Travel, logistics, planning, shipping, baking, dinners and planning. As a parent, you want to really make things sparkle, remembering the magic of Christmas as a child. You need to make sure everyone has the best Christmas ever. That's a lot of pressure.

This year, I'm trying to find the happy medium. The balance of being able to really enjoy the season without feeling a slave to it. I want to retain some of that ability I had last year to enjoy it. Since I'm working and don't have the luxury of being at home this year, I've made an agreement with myself.

Self: You will not put unattainable expectations upon yourself. You will do the things that bring you joy and take a pass on the ones that you do because you feel like you have to or someone else needs you to. You know what? You may not be able to get the perfect picture for the holiday card. No one will notice but you. You cannot do it all. Delegate tasks to others so that you don't overly burden yourself with the weight off all things Christmas. Most importantly, you will cherish the moments you have with your family. They are so precious and really, nothing else matters...

On Sunday, we had such fun as a family decorating the tree. Lance is not as "into the holiday spirit" as I am, but I caught him humming along to Jingle Bell Rock. Morgan told me that her favorite thing about this time of year was the smell of the fresh tree in our house (yes, my heart melted to hear such a thing out of the mouth of my babe!). I will forever remember this Christmas as the one where Bennett could really help decorate the tree. Well, specifically, two branches since those are the only ones he felt obligated to decorate. I'm glad I was able to stop, step back and take it all in. That's what it's about. Not some silly fake pet hamster that only the first 100 people in line at Toys R Us can get. :)

May 25th? Really??

Wow. It's been over six months since I've blogged. In that six months, my life has been turned upside down. At first I got behind on blogging with the business that warm weather brings. Spring break, then summer fun like day trips and fun outings. So many pictures should have been posted. So many little anecdotes to document the memories for my children. But, alas, time was spent with the children and left little time to blog about it.

Here I am, six months later and wondering how to even delve back into this world that I loved so. The perfectionist in me wants to go back and account for each of the last 189 days. That would make it right. Complete. However, my world now is not a world of perfection. I've reentered the world of incomplete and imperfection. A world where I will never be able to do everything I want and where I spend the majority of my waking time worrying about things that are left forgotten or ways that I didn't stack up today. Welcome back to the world of a working mom.

Just to catch you up, things were tough for a while with Lance's job. He had taken a 20% pay cut right before Christmas last year. That's when he started looking for a new job. We felt extremely lucky and blessed that he found something rather quickly and was able to easily transition into a new job at a higher pay rate. How fortunate for us. Except the down side to this was that he was now working for a tyrant of a woman and the hours were brutal. He was frequently gone before the kids woke up in the mornings and not home until they were in bed. That was hard. But, the hardest part came when in July, the company suddenly decided they needed to cut back drastically (letting go of 6 people of their 25 people team) and since Lance was the newest hire, he was let go. Unexpectedly and without warning. One minute we were having a great summer trip with my family, visiting with my grandparents in Oregon and plotting our 10 year anniversary getaway upon return to the bay area and the next minute we were trying to piece our lives back together.

A month or so went by without any good options. This economy was certainly taking it's toll. The interview process was brutal on Lance. He had tons of phone screens and some in person interviews, but they never really seemed to pan out. They always wanted someone who could fill more than one role....you know, since things were tight. So many friends were in the same boat and not that many employers hiring. We were hearing that it was taking people 6 months to a year to find a job. So toward the end of July/beginning of August, I asked Lance if I should start putting the feelers out there and he agreed it would be a good idea.

I started looking around and saw a packaging project management position at Logitech. It was a super simple job that I could do in my sleep. Perfect, I thought. I remembered that I knew people at Logitech and so I emailed my friend and former coworker, Stan, to let him know I was applying for this position. He emailed me back and said he would be glad to recommend me for that position. I didn't think much of it and continued my half-hearted search. About a week later, I got a message from Stan telling me not to get my hopes up, but that a new position had just become available and he thought, based on my resume, I'd be a good fit for. He told me he'd submitted me for that position. He told me a little bit about the position - it was a position managing software programs from a group that was a recently acquired company. They needed someone to help bring them into the fold of the existing Logitech processes. Given my background with program management, software, and process implementation, it was obvious to me also that this position was perfectly suited for me. Was it that easy job managing the packaging of the product? Nope. Would it be challenging? Yes. But, when have I ever been someone to shy away from a challenge?

Things progressed from there. I had a quick phone screen and then was brought in for a round of in-person interviews. I prepped the night before like it was a final exam. I ran through scenarios with Lance and tried to revive this business brain of mine after a year and a half at home. The interviews went really well. I met with five people and felt like I hit it off with all of them but one. Now I had to wait to hear back for who they were calling back for second rounds. It took about a week or so. Just long enough for my confidence to start plummeting. I had gotten one of those silly emails forwarded to me. You know the ones. Forward this to 11 friends and you will hear news you've been waiting to hear at a certain time. The timing was about right for the news I was expecting, so I went ahead and did it. Right on cue, my phone rang with news that I was being called back for a second round. Time to cram for my next final! The day came and I met with three high level people plus my potential boss. I thought it went well, again. I asked my potential boss what the next steps would be. He told me that if I was selected, he would be contacting me, probably in a week. I asked about what would happen if I wasn't selected and he told me that I would probably still be contacted, but by HR. Now it was time to wait. Luckily this time it was a little less painful, as they had narrowed it down to me and one other person. Within a week, the offer came in.

I remember being completely shocked because the call came from HR. I knew when I heard the recruiters voice that I was passed over. Imagine my surprise when said, "Logitech would like to extend an offer to you". Wow! She gave me the details and it was good. Really good. It was the kind of good that makes up your mind for you. Great company, great benefits, excellent pay, a signing bonus, all that. Meanwhile, in a city far away (but not that far away), Lance was back for a second meeting with a company who had asked HIM to make THEM an offer. What would it take to get him to work there. This was a somewhat promising start up company of ten people. TEN. Obviously, not as stable as a 7,000 employee company such as Logitech. So, when I called Lance with the details of the offer, we both agreed that there was no way I could turn this down. I did the requisite counter offer, which was politely denied, and then accepted the terms as they were and set a start date for a little over two weeks away.

I spent the next two weeks figuring out how this was going to work. Lance and I agreed that he would, at least for a while, give it a go at being a stay at home dad. One less thing for me to worry about as I ventured back into the work force. For those two weeks, I savored every hug and kiss. Every moment I got to spend with my kids, tucking them in for naps or bed, reading them stories and playing with them. We finished up our summer outings and then Morgan started first grade. I took advantage of my newly limited time at home and spent as much time as I could at the school and helping in the class. First grade is so different, but I only had a week to absorb that before it was time for my "first day of school".

I started my new job on September 8th. I will go into the job a little more in future posts, but to sum it up: it is the perfect job for me, as it is really challenging. I am really enjoying some of the people I work with and really NOT enjoying some others. I miss my husband (we had A LOT of togetherness during our forced family summer break) . I miss my kids. I miss my friends. I miss the life that I had longed for for so long and had so briefly.

My current mantra? There is a season for everything.

If you don't have anything nice to say...

....then show pictures and videos of your amazing kids! :)

We went to see Lance's mother today. We haven't seen her since Bennett was a couple months old. We drove the two and a half hour drive with the kids plugged into a movie. Well, okay, just Morgan plugged in since Bennett kept taking his headphones off and unplugging his DVD player. It was nice to see her, but it was also a farewell since she's moving away to Washington. It's always a little strange to me to visit with relatives that you don't see very often. You are supposed to have this familiarity, but yet it's not there since you don't see them too often.

Fortunately, kids don't recognize social nuances such as these, and instead, had fun seeing their Nana. Since she is in the process of packing and someone else is moving in, we went out to lunch and then headed to this really amazing park for some play time after. This park had EVERYTHING! A little play town, a play structure, a rope web to climb on, sand, swings, water stuff, EVEN HORSES TO RIDE AND A TRAIN! I wish we had a reason to go back...


After lots of fun at the park, we loaded back into the car and dropped Lance's mom back off at her house. We said our goodbyes and then were off for our two and a half hour drive back. This one was with seriously deliriously tired children, so we got to see fun things such as this video.




Good times.

Lazy, spring FUN!

This morning, though I tried, I could not muster up the energy it took to get showered, dressed and to church on time. Blame it on the week after week of activities, or blame it on the allergy-ridden dog who whined incessantly all night. Whatever the problem, I was unsuccessful in finding that energy. Rather than fight against it, I decided to spend the day enjoying the warm weather and my family. I grabbed a cup of coffee and my laptop and downloaded pictures while supervising the kids in their painting and play and supervised my husband in his trimming of bushes in our back yard.

Ever since Morgan built her bird house with Lance and my dad, she's been begging to paint it. I mean, we'll have like 10 minutes before bed and she'll ask if she can paint. Ummm, not quite that simple, my dear! So, we decided this morning was a good time to let her paint it. Of course, that meant allowing Bennett to paint something also since what is done for one must be done for the other. I want you to notice the levels of drop clothes I have going on for Bennett. Ha! And the paint is even washable. No, I'm not anal at all. Also, please note the reuse of the Easter egg dying cups for paint. Brilliant, right? Wish I could say it was my idea, but no, it was my husband searching for yet another reason to not throw something out.

While I was out there with such coverage over the deck, I decided that, heck, it wasn't messy enough. Let's pull out the moon sand! I try not to let the mess get to me too much, after all we ARE outside and the ARE kids. I remember being super stoked as a kid because on occasion, we would be allowed to finger paint. I didn't realize why we didn't get to do it ALL THE TIME before I became a mother. Now I understand. But, in keeping with recreating my own childhood for my own children, I want them to enjoy these special treats occasionally. I guess that's what makes them special??


When you have a messy situation, including some paint and moon sand, what is the perfect ingredient to add??

WATER!




Since I was too lazy to get ready for church, you know I was too lazy to actually fix lunch. This is where my wonderful hubby comes in. He offers to grill burgers for us to enjoy al fresco. Mmmmm. So the kids come over, dripping from the sprinkler and sit down to enjoy some juicy burgers fresh off the grill. Mmmmm. We can't wait for summer!


We went inside and the kids got baths and went down for naps while Lance and I enjoyed some down time before the mothers club Spring Party. When the kids were up, it was time to head to the party, where -- in keeping with the theme of laziness -- there was a dinner of pizza and veggies and fruit awaiting us. Not to mention, Morgan's all time favorite kids' performer, James K. Bennett even got into it this year, enjoying the songs and movements. :)




A good way to end a lazy spring day, because when we were done, it was time to go home and get the kids ready for bed. Doesn't get much better than that!

My evening in pictures.

Life is good. Life is very good.

Happy Easter!

It's not very often that I'm able to enjoy a holiday at my house with my family. However, we were smart to have Bennett in April since his birthday is usually close to Easter (he was actually born on Easter the year he was born). That makes it a little more compelling for my east coast family to venture out this way on a holiday that they would traditionally be at their house. So, it was extra nice this morning to wake up with the kids and my parents and watch them discover the fun stuff the Easter Bunny had left for them as well as watching them hunt eggs. I think the Easter Bunny needs to find some new spots or get a little more creative next year because it went by far too quickly this year!


After all the morning fun, it was time to get ready for church. We had such a full load, that we ended up having to go to church in the minivan that my parents rented. The message was interesting, and also ironic since it also tapped into a lot of what Lance and I were discussing at dinner last night. Funny how God works, huh?

I heated a spiral cut ham, made homemade mashed potatoes, and asparagus for our dinner. Lance had even baked some really yummy walnut cranberry chocolate chip cookies yesterday that we were able to enjoy for dessert. It was a lovely meal, so nice to be with the ones you love on a day such as this.

"This is it": The end of an era

When my parents planned their trip out to see us for Bennett's birthday and Easter, my mom made sure to let me know in advance to plan to have some date nights while they were here to babysit. This meant I had plenty of time to think about the date and what we might do and even to think about the things we would talk about. Because uninterrupted face-to-face time to talk without TV's or computers is pretty rare in my house. At the same time, my baby fever has been reaching a feverish pitch and so it was inevitable that our discussion at our first date night would center around that topic.

Never one to beat around the bush, I told Lance that I thought we needed to discuss it and that I understood if he wanted time to think about it (after all, I'd had over a month to think about what I wanted to say), but that we happened to have some uninterrupted time to discuss if he was ready. He agreed to discuss the topic of us having more kids and so it went.

The main thing I wanted to get across was that I knew that he wasn't leaning towards having more and that I definitely feel like I'm not done. That doesn't mean that I'm going to be having more kids, it just means that I need a certain amount of time to "get over it", if we decide we are done. When I married Lance, I knew he wanted two kids and he knew that I wanted three or four. And here we sit, with two happy, healthy children. One boy and one girl. Him feeling like we are so lucky to have the two we have and that it is plenty. Me agreeing that we are, in fact, extremely lucky and wanting to have more. In this situation, one person is not going to get their way. I have always somewhat mentally prepared myself to be the loser in this debate, as I would never dictate to him that we have to have more kids. I guess I was just hoping that this was another "house purchase in 2000", or "car purchase in 2002" or "first baby in 2003" types of discussions where all he needed was a gentle nudge to be shifted into the next thing. Except this is different. He doesn't feel the need to have more children. It's not a matter of when, it's a matter of need. And while I understand, because I don't feel it's a matter of need, it is a matter of desire to me. I was hoping his not feeling the need was different than his feeling the need not to. Make sense?

However mentally prepared I thought I was to be the loser, it didn't shield me from the sting and sadness I felt, immediately, when I thought about not having any more children. Thinking that the things that have already passed with Bennett are things that I will never experience again. There was a point, when Bennett was tiny and a terror (now he's a big terror), that I was positive that I would never want to do this again and I got rid of all my baby stuff. But then, he changed and things changed and I felt myself easing back into that idea of more kids. The older he gets, the more I have felt this way, so much so that I've let go of the mental awareness that comes with knowing "this is it". When I stopped nursing him, I mentally made note that it would be the last time. But there was always this voice in my head saying, "really?". Well, I guess I know the answer now. It was the last time.

I'm sad for the times I'll never have again. I'm sad for the times that I let go without saying goodbye. I'm sad for the times that I'm having now, in each moment that I think "this is it" and my heart breaks a little. I'm sad for the times in the future that we have yet to get to, that I will have to say "this is it" as I soak it in. I'm sad for the relationships that could have been. The brothers or sisters to be. I'm just sad.

I know that I'll be okay with all this eventually. I'm already trying to find the silver linings. As Bennett gets older, our world opens up to more possibilities -- the ones we were just beginning to taste as Morgan got older before Bennett was born. I look forward to not having to buy diapers or cut up food, or try to understand toddler-ese anymore. Or at least I think I will. Right now, I just feel like I could do it forever, just to experience MORE of this. This family I have. These kids I have. The relationships. More.

Oh well, farewell to the era of little babies. Hello to what comes next.

Waiting

I've never been a patient person. If I have to wait in a line that has more than two people in front of me, I'm mentally going through exit scenarios or alternative plans. Or better yet, if I'm waiting at a stop light and it turns green, the person in front of me just needs to GO. I mean, really, what are you waiting for?? So, you take someone like me, you add two offspring who are equally as patient and you mix in a little bit of missing Grandma and Grandpa and what you come up with is a group of people practically climbing the walls waiting for Grandma and Grandpa's arrival! Luckily Morgan had school to keep her busy, but there's no such thing for Bennett and I, so I opted for the cardio & core class at the tennis club to help keep me busy (and oh boy did it!). Their plane was to arrive at roughly 11ish, so by the time they got their bags and rental car and drove out here from SFO, we're looking at around 1, right? Enough time for me to get the kids home from picking up Morgan, to feed them lunch and then be ready when Grandma and Grandpa arrived. Except at 1pm? Grandma called to let me know they were just on their way in the rental car. It's bad enough when you're anticipating something and things get delayed as an adult. But kids get even more upset. I opted to go ahead and put Bennett down for his nap while Morgan and I waited for the grand arrival. We read books and tried to keep each other preoccupied, but every time we thought we heard a door, we went running to the front room to look through the window to see if it was them. FINALLY it was!

It's hard to live this far away from your family. It's hard to not see them on a day to day basis. But, imagine if I lived down the street. Would they ever get the grand reception that awaits them each and every time we see them? There's some up side to this waiting business.

Happy 40th Anniversary!

Today is my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. Seriously, that's like four DECADES. And if you knew them, you might be surprised that they've made it this long. Except the thing is, they are committed. They love each other and they work through things like a difference in opinion of the actual temperature that should be considered "room temperature" or where golf balls should be placed when not in use. When I spoke to them on the phone earlier today, we each repeated the same thing - it's a rare thing these days. I really think this is so true.

So many couples are so eager to go their separate ways. I'm noticing this the older I get (I guess the older I get, the more married couples I know, the longer they've been married and the more divorces we see). It's as if marriage is to be this magical thing that never has any road bumps or problems. Heck, Lance and I have been married for nine years, ten this year, and we've certainly had our share even in the short time frame we've been together. Yes, there were times when I thought about how hard it is, and it really can be. Other times? It's so easy. But, I guess when you have the role models I had growing up, you know how important family is and you know that marriage is actually a verb. It means you have to do things. You have to work at it if you want it to be good. And just like anything in life, the more you put into it, the more you get out of it.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad! Thanks for getting married and for setting the bar! ;-)

Baby fever

I could have also named this entry "the one my husband doesn't want to hear", but you know what? It's MY blog, right? Maybe as a courtesy, I could put something in the title like "honey, just pass this one over". But, maybe that's pretty much the same as the title I picked, no?

Today I spent time planning a baby shower for Melissa. I am so excited about throwing her this shower, as I have actually gotten very few opportunities to throw baby showers and hardly ever for such a great friend. I let my creative juices flow and settled on a "theme" that really suits Melissa to a T. I cannot wait! While perusing websites for shower invitations, it's hard to not also get sucked into looking at those baby announcements. Cute toes. Crazy hair, or no hair. Time, date, weight, length. Happiness. Baby sighs. Baby breathe. Ohhhhhh - baby smells! See, it's hard not to do that to yourself.

Are all women this way? As soon as your baby is not so much a baby any more, you start reminiscing about the good ole days of no sleep, little lumps of baby goodness and tiny fingers and toes. I wonder, when you're on your fourth or fifth, or FOURTEENTH kid, does it go away? I've been praying for this very thing. Either to have it go away and to know that my family is complete as it is, or to have some clear indication that another child is just what we need. Now, my husband will tell you straight out that we have a girl and a boy and we are done. But me? Not so sure. Granted, we'd need to be on the same page, so maybe since he's done, by default I am? Except what if it doesn't feel right?

Then, today I get an email from my friend Tara, who's older daughter is in Bennett's playgroup. She just had her second child, another little girl. And she's got that newborn goodness dripping from the pictures. I mean, seriously. Do I have a problem? Is there a support group for women like me? Or am I completely normal? How do you know you are done? I asked my mom this question and her answer was so easy. She always wanted two. My dad always wanted two. They had a boy and a girl. They were done. But see, me? I've always dreamed of a bigger family. Maybe it's because I always wanted to have more, and/or closer siblings. I just think the relationship that you have in a family is such an amazing thing and why wouldn't you want to have MORE of that?

I have friends tell me that I need to have another. I've been told things like "two are too neat" and "if anyone should have more it's you" and those statements echo through my head and my heart whenever I start thinking about this.

The thing is, I can see myself with at least one more kid. I can picture it. I know what I would do. I know the things we'd have to change and the logistics of it. I know how it would work. And even though when I was going through everything with Bennett's pregnancy and babyhood, I prepared myself for it to be the last (knowing how my husband felt), that doesn't mean that it "sits" right.

For now, I'm going to enjoy seeing, hearing and smelling the babies that are entering the world now. Tara just had hers, Melissa is due in May. Maybe by then I'll have gotten my answer. Maybe by then, I'll feel at peace with it, whatever it is.

Dinner time fun

Tonight we were having a baked ham for dinner. Apparently, baked ham reminds Bennett of Grandpa. Don't ask. So, he starts in on "Memaw and Pepaw" and then he busts out with "come for my birthday!". I tell him "That's right, they are coming for your birthday!" and then he wants to know if Uncle Brett and "Mimles" are coming. I tell him that they are not coming for his birthday, but they are going to come this summer. This leads to a full on conversation about where everyone would sleep if my parents and my brother and his family were staying at our house.

Bennett says that Grandpa could sleep in his bed. Everyone else laughs. We tell him that Grandpa is too big to fit in his bed. But Grandma could, right? Riiiiiggghhht!! ;-)

We all laugh because the big joke in my family is how short my mom is. But then Morgan asks where Grandma and Grandpa would sleep for real. I said that we could give them our bed and we'd take her bed and she could sleep on an air mattress or the couch or something. She wanted to know if there was enough room in our bed for Grandma and Grandpa. To which I replied yes until I realized that she was talking about enough room IN ADDITION TO LANCE AND I. Lance and I realized this at the exact same moment, and what I would give to have captured his expression on camera. Oh my! I busted out into laughter and asked him if he could imagine that. To which he replied. NO!!! And I don't want to!!!

Jump for your love

Tonight, we had a member appreciation party for the mothers' club at a trampoline place. It was basically like one huge birthday party, complete with jumping, pizza and cake.



After witnessing the world's fasted sign spinner (impressive, huh?), I loaded 20 pizzas into my car and then unloaded my energetic kids at the trampoline place. They had a blast! It was really well organized by the staff at Springtime Tumbling & Trampoline. They split the kids into three different age groups and rotated them through the various stations, which included a mini tramp, a long running trampoline and the three big jumping trampolines. With all that equipment, Morgan was in heaven. Bennett was practicing for when he turns 2 and wanted to be wherever his group wasn't. :) He spent most of his time running back and forth on the bouncy floor. :) All in all, we had a great time hanging out with friends, having pizza and cake and letting the kids burn off energy.

Here are a couple of videos of the kiddos in action.

Everyone gets a vacation!

I guess it would not be appropriate for me to go on and on about my cute, smart, funny and ever so demanding children and also not mention my cute, smart, funny and not so demanding husband. You see, you may remember his moronic employer came up with a "scheme" to reduce the pay of all their employees by 20% in an effort to "align everyone in their decision making". When asked, they do not admit that it is, in fact, a pay cut, but rather an "opportunity" to MAKE MORE! Because, when they start making more money, rather than losing it like they've done for 13 consecutive months, they will generously share that with the employees who have been doing 125% of the work they initially signed up for (due to layoffs) at 80% of their pay. Isn't that nice of them?

Yeah, we didn't think so either. So, my husband updated his resume and started pounding the pavement around Christmas. He was fortunate enough to get hooked up with a recruiter who got him in for an interview at a very similar company to where he was already working, shortly after the new year. Apparently, he aced the interview because he was the first person that they've wanted to extend an offer to without even bringing them back for a second interview. So, we were awaiting their offer.

Then, the VP of Engineering at his current company tells him that he may want to start looking for a job since the company is circling the drain. He even recommends him for another job at another company and hooks him up with an interview with the hiring manager, who makes him a verbal offer. This happened the same day that the written offer came in from the first company. The timing starts getting really sticky when the VP tells Lance that they are doing more layoffs and asks if he wants to be on the list. Knowing that Lance is looking and that he's recommended him for another job, he really wants to salvage a different programmer rather than laying him off to have Lance leave the following week.

So, yesterday my husband was laid off (with a severance package) and also accepted the job at the first company due to a deadline on the offer. Today, he is going in for the formal interview at the second company. And now? He's off until February 9th. And you know what that means. Family time, help with the kids, Lance getting to do stuff with the kids that he hasn't been able to do, and over all goodness. I might even get a vacation too. :)

In this tough economic climate, I know that we are extremely blessed to have things go like this. A severance package and possibly two job offers are beyond the things we hoped and wished for back in December. We are truly, truly blessed! Oh, and yeah...my husband is a stud!

I'm a slacker!

I've been such a slacker since my parents have been here. I've done pretty much nothing around the house, and it sure does show it! Not to mention that I haven't been keeping up on my blog or email. We've been busy having fun, so I'll cut myself some slack.

Yesterday, we took Morgan to soccer and then afterwards headed to the zoo. We don't normally save time at the zoo for rides and what not, so we started with those this time. We even rode the train, which we hadn't done since Morgan was about 9 months old. She kept saying how COOL it was to ride the train. Bennett liked it also. When we were done with the rides, we had some lunch and then meandered down to the children's zoo. Before we knew it, it was nap time and time to go. Lance and my Dad took the kids home and my Mom and I broke free for an afternoon and evening to ourselves! We went to an outlet mall nearby and shopped until we dropped. Bennett has been living off of mostly handed down clothes, so it's nice to get him some new clothes. Now he won't have to wear his high waters anymore! Both kids got heavy winter coats and Morgan got some new sweaters. Cute stuff! And we got such good deals! They practically paid US to buy these clothes! We got sucked back into the Gymboree Outlet by the bins out front that were 9.99 or less! Got lots of cute stuff in size 6 for Morgan. Bennett was already done by the time we got there! :)

After shopping, we went to Outback Steakhouse for dinner and then walked over to the movie theater after dinner to see if there was anything coming on soon. Nights in Rodanthe was starting in 15 minutes, so we knew it was a good sign! We got our tickets and some coffee and headed in for the show. My Mom and I have an issue of choosing BAD movies to see together. I think the streak started when we went to see Duets in 2000, so the streak has been going strong for about eight years! The last movie we saw before Nights in Rodanthe was The Happening, which was HORRIBLE. We were really hopeful that this movie would break the streak and it succeeded! The movie was good! Now I want to go back and read the book by Nicholas Sparks.

My Mom and I didn't get home until after 9 last night, so the kids were already in bed. It was really nice to be able to get away and spend some time with just my mom. Not to mention the family time we spent at the zoo.

Here are a couple of my favorite pictures from the zoo.

We're crazy happy around here

Morgan: Grandma and Grandpa are here! Yippee!!

Bennett: Me-maw and Pe-paw are here! Yay!

Me: Mom and Dad are here - thank God!

We are so happy to have them here for a week! Bennett is definitely Grandpa's boy. When you ask him if he is, he nods his head matter of factly. Morgan is proud to be reading books to Grandma.

Life is good. :)

Saturday is my favorite day of the week

Although Morgan was upset to hear that there was no school today, I am glad it's Saturday. I got my hair cut and colored this morning and came home for a fun lunch with the kids. Morgan and Bennett were cracking each other up, making faces and giggling. When the kids went down for their naps, so did I. I was up way too late last night. I met some friends for coffee and we were there until almost midnight. Then, I have this bad habit of having to "unwind" after getting home, and didn't get to bed until 2? Yeah, so I was none too pleased when Bennett woke up around 7 this morning. Thank goodness for naps!

Operation Binky Free Zone has been going smoothly. I didn't give Bennett a pacifier on Thursday afternoon for his nap and it was like NO BIG DEAL. Not sure why I've been fretting it. It was SO not a big deal that we decided to give it a whirl for bedtime. Also no problem. He didn't get one at all yesterday or last night either. No problem. Today? For his afternoon nap, when I'm napping, nonetheless, he wakes up screaming an hour into his nap (which is normally two hours) and can't seem to calm himself down. I don't know if it's the pacifier removal or what. He was a little upset when I put him down because I had ONLY read him his "baby" book and not Brown Bear. He was screaming BROWN BEAR BROWN BEAR at me when I left his room at nap. But, he did go to sleep for an hour anyway. After he woke up and I couldn't get him to go back to sleep, I got him up and we watched some Project Runway together. If Lance hadn't have been getting his hair cut, he might not have liked the sight of us sitting on the couch watching the show. :)

When Lance got home, he took Bennett to get his haircut. Last time, I told him I didn't have a preference for how they cut it. This time? I sent them with a picture of what I like. :) Morgan, is going on hour THREE of her nap. I believe I have the only five year old that still naps, but obviously she needs it!

Nothing else planned for tonight. Maybe we'll take a nice long walk tonight after dinner and after it's cooled down. I just love Saturdays.

Member Night at the Zoo

We had fun at the zoo last night for Members Night. The only downside was that they didn't order enough food for everyone, so they were starting to run out of some of the stuff when we got there. No big deal for us, but it just kind of put a damper on the evening for some. The kids had fun running around the zoo at night, they had a couple of different musical performers throughout the zoo and it was just a nice, casual family night out. Here are some pictures!












































And a video of Bennett dancing. :)

Keys Recap: Fun in the Sun Days 1-3

We all had lots of fun hanging out with our extended family. We were greeted each day with Morgan and Avery singing "He is Lord", which they learned at Vacation Bible School and which also happens to be one of those songs that you cannot get out of your head. We'd find ourselves singing it in their absence if that is any indication. The place where we were staying was a really interesting community. Mostly older people who have retired there. Lots of snowbirds that won't even be back until winter.

They had all sorts of rules, but our favorites come from the pool. They had rules like "No food or beverages in the pool area", "no one with diapers or an incontinence problem is permitted in the big pool", clearly saying CRAP IN THE TODDLER POOL ONLY! Or, my sister-in-law Amy's personal favorite. "No one with communicable diseases or open sores allowed in the pool". This was so important, that it was not only listed on the list of pool rules, but also had it's very own sign. Obviously, this has been an issue in the past.

Nevertheless, it was an enjoyable place to stay, with a place to dock the boat right behind the house and a pool within walking distance.

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On our first full day in the Keys, the guys went fishing while the ladies hung out with the kids, tried to figure out schedules, and took the girls to the pool. They didn't come back from fishing with too many fish, but they came back with tales of barracuda eating the fish off their lines as they were reeling them in!

*Please note: I have taken artistic license with this photo. There's one more guy on the boat than actually went out on the first day - my uncle, who happened to be down in the Keys and went out fishing with the guys one day. This wasn't actually taken on the first day of the trip. It was like the third or fourth day, but it fits with the description of the first day. So sue me. :)

The next day, we headed to Key West (about 25 minutes away) to take the kids to the aquarium there. It was really humid and hot, but the kids enjoyed watching the sharks get fed, seeing the iguana who has made it's home there, and seeing lots of other fish and animals. Bennett REALLY liked the iguana, but it didn't care for him too much. The other little girl in the picture with Morgan is her cousin, Avery.

After the aquarium, we had lunch and then ice cream and then walked back through Mallory Square, behind the aquarium on our way out. The picture on the right is of all four cousins: Bennett, Avery, Morgan and Miles.

After we got home and had naps, Amy and I took the girls down to the pool for some more swimming. There was a swimming area in the ocean, but the girls (and Moms!) preferred the pool.

Day three marked the exact halfway point between the girls' birthdays, so we picked that day to celebrate. The girls started out the morning by playing some Wii (please take note of the vast amount of large items blocking the TV from Bennett), hanging out on the porch outside the house, and then celebrating their birthday with a feast of their choosing (peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and macaroni and cheese). Followed, of course by cake, which everyone enjoyed!

This concludes your tour of the first half of our trip to the Keys. Tips are welcomed.