One foot in front of the other....

You ever have a day when you just feel "blah"? I've been having a lot of those lately, but today was the worst yet. I'm tired and hot and crampy (no, spell checker, I didn't mean CRAPPY, I meant CRAMPY and if you were written by a woman, you would understand!) and I just really found it hard to get out of bed, much less go about my day and my responsibilities. But, seeing as how Morgan doesn't yet have her driver's license, I had to get up and drive her to school. And since I was driving her to school, I figured I may as well swing by the gym. At least that way I can be assured of a shower. And since I'm going to be showered, I may as well make that trip to Target I've been meaning to make. Then we've got that park play date in the afternoon, so I'll need to come home and pack lunches for that. THEN...then I'll be able to rest again.

And believe it or not, when I finished my class at the gym I felt a little better. When I got the stuff I needed (and some that I didn't!) at Target, I felt even better. Heck, by the time I picked Morgan up from school, I was nearly back to okay. Then I was able to come home and take a nap after our play date and that was just heavenly.

One foot in front of the other. Some days, that's the only way to do it.

A lesson from a little silver box

Today was our last MOPS meeting of the semester. I've come to really look forward to this twice-a-month gathering with other moms, where for two precious hours, we get to be adults. We have a hot breakfast together, without children clamoring for our attention. We get to converse without being interrupted. We get to hear wonderful speakers on everything from nutrition to ways to improve our marriage and family life. Sometimes we even get to make a cute craft like a necklace with a picture of our children, or chocolate dipped pretzels! Regardless, it's nice to have those couple of hours there, smack dab in the middle of the week to relax and enjoy being with other moms.

Today, we not only had a speaker who talked about how important it is to take trips with our family, trips with our husband and trips with our girl friends (who doesn't want to hear that?), but we ended with a little silver box. We each had one with our name on it and there were little slips of paper at each table for us to use to write 2-3 things about each person and then put it in their box. There was a sheet with some examples on it in case you got stuck, but I found that it wasn't hard at all to write 2-3 nice things about each one of the my MOPS mom friends. Once we were done, we tied the ribbons up and went off to pick up our children from their program.

So, I had no idea what was in my box until I got home from picking Morgan up from school. She immediately noticed the little shiny box and was very curious about what was in it. I explained to her what we had done at MOPS. I told her that I didn't know yet what my friends had written about me. The look on her face said more than any words could. She looked at me expectantly. Hopefully. I could tell that she wanted me to open the box.

So, I sat on the step with a kid at each of my sides and untied the ribbon. I pulled out the papers, one by one.

Beautiful
Loving
Fun
Loving

"Mom, that's TWO Lovings!!"

Organized
Thoughtful
Loving

"ANOTHER Loving!"

Godly example
Captivating
Caring
Wonderful
Funny
Godly example

"Someone else said that too!"

Encouraging
Relate-able
Sweet

As I pulled the last one out of the box, I looked at Morgan and she had the biggest grin on her face. And that's when it hit me. She was proud of me. She was seeing what other people said about me and it made her proud. What a heartwarming moment. And also a lesson for me, in that our children are equally as proud of us as we are of them. What more reason do we need than that to try to be our best person? She hugged me and said, "Three people said you were loving!!". I asked her if she agreed with what my friends thought of me and she nodded her head quickly and said, "yes, I do," then gave me another hug.

Then Morgan suggested that we make boxes for everyone in our family. So we can do the same. And you know what, I think we will!

Mr. Pickles

There is a restaurant in town, right on the corner of a busy intersection that has seen at least five turnovers since we've lived here. For some reason, whatever was there has not done very well. It's past lives include things like sushi and sandwiches and just when an owner would get settled in, pretty soon you'd see a "For Sale" sign in the window. It's baffled Lance and I since we moved here.

Except the current tenant is an extraordinary entrepreneur. Sure, they've moved in with the usual lunch fare, but this time they have their secret weapon.

A giant, dancing pickle.

I know....what? A giant dancing pickle? Yes, that is correct. It's become the thing my children look forward to when we drive by. If he's out there dancing, they are crazy waving at him and pointing him out. I'm pretty sure they must know me by my car and my kids. Because they look like fools every time we drive by. And with this particular location, it's quite often.

I kid you not, we will be down the street, driving towards the restaurant and they are both straining to catch sight of the chef's hat he wears. Oh, we've had many different conversations centered on Mr. Pickles. Where is he in the mornings when he's not out? He's sleeping. Why does he wear a hat? He's a chef at the restaurant. How does he see out? Do you think he eats pickles?

EVEN IF HE'S NOT THERE, we go through the same stuff. Bennett will inform me (EVERY TIME) that he's not there because he's sleeping so that he can wave to him.

Even though I never visited any of the other establishments that called this particular location home, we WILL be going to Mr. Pickles. Because, really? How can I not. It's practically Disneyland.

Nice work, Mr. Pickles. Sheer genius!

"This is it": The end of an era

When my parents planned their trip out to see us for Bennett's birthday and Easter, my mom made sure to let me know in advance to plan to have some date nights while they were here to babysit. This meant I had plenty of time to think about the date and what we might do and even to think about the things we would talk about. Because uninterrupted face-to-face time to talk without TV's or computers is pretty rare in my house. At the same time, my baby fever has been reaching a feverish pitch and so it was inevitable that our discussion at our first date night would center around that topic.

Never one to beat around the bush, I told Lance that I thought we needed to discuss it and that I understood if he wanted time to think about it (after all, I'd had over a month to think about what I wanted to say), but that we happened to have some uninterrupted time to discuss if he was ready. He agreed to discuss the topic of us having more kids and so it went.

The main thing I wanted to get across was that I knew that he wasn't leaning towards having more and that I definitely feel like I'm not done. That doesn't mean that I'm going to be having more kids, it just means that I need a certain amount of time to "get over it", if we decide we are done. When I married Lance, I knew he wanted two kids and he knew that I wanted three or four. And here we sit, with two happy, healthy children. One boy and one girl. Him feeling like we are so lucky to have the two we have and that it is plenty. Me agreeing that we are, in fact, extremely lucky and wanting to have more. In this situation, one person is not going to get their way. I have always somewhat mentally prepared myself to be the loser in this debate, as I would never dictate to him that we have to have more kids. I guess I was just hoping that this was another "house purchase in 2000", or "car purchase in 2002" or "first baby in 2003" types of discussions where all he needed was a gentle nudge to be shifted into the next thing. Except this is different. He doesn't feel the need to have more children. It's not a matter of when, it's a matter of need. And while I understand, because I don't feel it's a matter of need, it is a matter of desire to me. I was hoping his not feeling the need was different than his feeling the need not to. Make sense?

However mentally prepared I thought I was to be the loser, it didn't shield me from the sting and sadness I felt, immediately, when I thought about not having any more children. Thinking that the things that have already passed with Bennett are things that I will never experience again. There was a point, when Bennett was tiny and a terror (now he's a big terror), that I was positive that I would never want to do this again and I got rid of all my baby stuff. But then, he changed and things changed and I felt myself easing back into that idea of more kids. The older he gets, the more I have felt this way, so much so that I've let go of the mental awareness that comes with knowing "this is it". When I stopped nursing him, I mentally made note that it would be the last time. But there was always this voice in my head saying, "really?". Well, I guess I know the answer now. It was the last time.

I'm sad for the times I'll never have again. I'm sad for the times that I let go without saying goodbye. I'm sad for the times that I'm having now, in each moment that I think "this is it" and my heart breaks a little. I'm sad for the times in the future that we have yet to get to, that I will have to say "this is it" as I soak it in. I'm sad for the relationships that could have been. The brothers or sisters to be. I'm just sad.

I know that I'll be okay with all this eventually. I'm already trying to find the silver linings. As Bennett gets older, our world opens up to more possibilities -- the ones we were just beginning to taste as Morgan got older before Bennett was born. I look forward to not having to buy diapers or cut up food, or try to understand toddler-ese anymore. Or at least I think I will. Right now, I just feel like I could do it forever, just to experience MORE of this. This family I have. These kids I have. The relationships. More.

Oh well, farewell to the era of little babies. Hello to what comes next.

The trouble with women

I adore women. Not in a I'm-more-into-them-than-into-men way, but I do believe that women are special. Men are special too, but in a different way. Men are special in that way that makes me want to curl up on the couch, rest my head on their chest kind of way.

I think only women can truly appreciate the complexities of being a woman. We know what it's like to have irrational fears, and therefore can sympathize with our friends when they are feeling something like that. A man? Well, he might just brush it off as "girls". We know the rush of adrenaline that comes from finding the perfect pair of shoes ON SALE and finding out that they do have our size. A man? He wouldn't even be shopping.

There's so much said about the sisterhood that is shared between women. And there's even some said about what happens when things go awry. Words like cat fight or bitch fest might be used. In all honesty, sometimes it feels like that. But most of the time, the feelings we women have regarding relationships goes far beyond that. I truly believe that only a woman really knows what I'm talking about here (can I get an amen?).

Here are the things I have learned about women and friendships.

1. Some women will NEVER understand that you can be friends with more than one person.
2. Some women are "best friends" with no one.
3. Some women are "best friends" to too many.
4. Having more than one "best friend" is a hard thing to do. It's a balancing act that many women have taken on. Some have been successful and some have not.
5. Having kids DOES change things.
6. If your husbands don't get along, then it's not going to work out.
7. If your friend's husband is an asshole, it's not going to work out.
8. You cannot make your friend realize that her husband is an asshole.
9. If your friend's parenting style is in opposition to yours, it's not going to work out.
10. Life changes and friendships change. People come and they go. It's part of life.
11. You can't force a friendship on someone. It either works or it doesn't.
12. Women will get upset/jealous/angry if they find out that a group of women are doing something without them. I've seen this in groups of four year olds as well as groups of fifty year olds.
13. Women will get upset/jealous/angry if someone they know has something (or someone) they want and sometimes that can affect a friendship. I've seen this in everything from possessions to what gender baby someone has.
14. When you find the people you DO click with, the people who's HUSBANDS you click with, the ones who parent in a complimentary style and who's lifestyle is not in direct opposition to yours, these people can be the most solid rock upon which to lay your joys, troubles and fears. These are the women who will come to your aid at your greatest time of need. These people can become like family to you. This depth of a relationship is a wonderful thing to experience, but can be hard for other women. Especially women who don't have that in their life.
    
15. Much like in their relationship with men, sometimes women can misread your relationship. Either they think there's more to it than there is, or they don't think as much of it as you do.

I had a friend who approached me tonight. She wanted to know why things between us had changed. I admit that things *have* changed. I told her so. She wanted to know a reason. There was no reason, other than we just weren't that close. I started to feel badly that I wasn't as emotional about it as she was, but then I took a step back. It was then that I realized that I had never considered her to be as close of a friend as she had considered me to be. We had bonded quickly over fussy babies and breastfeeding, but at the end of the day, besides that what else did we have in common? The babies are now toddlers and there's new stuff to worry about. New stuff to bond over. It just so happens that I'm not as close with her now. Not because of anything specifically. No, that would be way easier. I have bonded more closely with some other women and I don't think I should be ashamed of that.

But here she was, crying to me about wanting to be liked. All that was going through my head is "what does she want me to say?". I felt cold and distant. I mean, I felt bad about how she was feeling. I sure wish she didn't feel that way. But, it was strange to have someone have such strong feelings when I didn't. It felt like I was being cornered.

As it turned out, she seemed to have a lot of issues with someone I am friends with. She was dumping them out to me, looking for me to confirm her feelings. See, this is what a lot of women do. They want to commiserate with each other when they feel they have been wronged. Only, usually it's between two close friends. Certainly not someone who's a friend, but not a really close one, about a friend who *is* one of your close friends. Maybe she was upset that this other person and I are better friends now and this was her way of handling it? Maybe that's what felt so weird to me. It was almost as if she was hoping I'd turn my back on my good friend and turn toward her.

I felt bad for her that she needed me to do that. I felt bad that she wanted me to do that. But not bad enough to do it. Is that bad?

See, this is the trouble with being a woman. If I were a man, not only would we have never had that conversation, but I'd also be sitting here right now thinking about things like beer or computers or maybe even what's going on this weekend. Instead, I'm sitting here fretting over a pseudo friend who is upset because I'm not her best friend and upset with myself for not getting upset about it. That's the trouble with women.

The power of mom

Okay, so I'm going on day three of being locked in the house with a very sick toddler and just as I'm about to lose my mind, I get to get out of the house for a dessert social with some of the girls from the moms club tonight. Wow, that was a long sentence. Anyway, I'm always happy to get out for whatever is the outing of the day, but getting some great women out with some wine, coffee, and delicious desserts is really a treat!

We have a new dessert place in town called Nothingbundtcakes. Obviously, the make bundt cakes! Anyway, one of the moms from the moms club was in there one day talking to the owner about spreading the word about their new business. She mentioned the moms club and WHAM before I knew it, they offered to provide us with a bundt cake for the dessert social. They provided us with a "Cute as a Bundton" cake, and it was super cute! It tasted good also. We put some of their brochures out and a bunch of the ladies took one. Because that's how it works with us moms. If you treat us right and we like what we see, we're likely to remember that next time we need something special or if a friend asks us for a recommendation.


You'd be surprised the things we've been given from businesses, just by simply (1) asking for the donation and (2) stating the obvious, you will have the support of the moms in our club. Days at the spa, winery tours and private tastings, month-long family memberships to the tennis club, golfing for two, dinners, toys, WHATEVER! Lately, we've been having our club supporters (those that advertise in our newsletter) offer up promotional goods for us to raffle off. Tonight, I was the recipient of four free tickets to see High School Musical on ice, which is on tour now and coming to our area in the next two weeks. Morgan is going to be thrilled! My friend Lara and I agreed before the drawing that if one of us won it, we'd take the other one and her daughter. So, Morgan is even more thrilled that we'll be going with Chenoa!

Other items we've been given are child proofing baskets, knitting baskets, organic baby clothes baskets, etc. All just because we are moms. And I'm ALL about expoiting that. Hey - that's the true power of mom! :)

Manipulating children for money

I have a new pet peeve. I know it's hard to believe someone as tolerant as I would have pet peeves, but believe it people! The newest thing to make my list is the use of innocent children for monetary gains. Here are two recent examples.

First, the school is forever doing fundraising. Being a charter school, we get a lesser % of funding than the other schools in the district, so I suppose it's a necessary evil. However, I think we should play by some rules, and the first of those being LEAVE THE KIDS OUT OF IT. Seems like a month doesn't pass by without there being a "gram" for sale. There were trick-or-treat grams, which were witches hats, and very cute at that. Then, there were santa grams, which were elf hats. Also cute. Now we have cupid grams for Valentines Day. As if the gift I've already gotten my kids isn't enough. As if the handmade Valentines aren't enough. As if the goodies we are making for all the kids in her class aren't enough. There is now this added "gimme" for the kids, the cupid grams. It's not the idea of it that I have the problem with. I mean, we did this when I was in high school and it was cool to buy these for your friends and surprise them. No, that's not the problem. Here are the problems, in no particular order.

They come to your classroom and hand them out to everyone who's ordered them at one time. And this starts in Kindergarten, when the kids are too young to really understand buying them for their friends and that whole process and when it's all about guilting the parents into making sure that their child isn't the only one in the class who is left without. Apparently at Christmas time, there were two kids in our class who didn't get the elf hats. Our teacher didn't want them to be singled out and went to the office and bought two santa grams for these students so they wouldn't be left out. How sick is that?? I guess they used to have them in the office and the kids would go down there to get their grams and then it wasn't such a big deal if they didn't get one because it wasn't so obvious since they weren't all handed out at once.

It makes me want to NOT buy them, and just explain to Morgan ahead of time that she won't be getting one. But you know what? They are "only $2", which is such a small price to pay to have your child feel included. Nice little scam they have going on, right?? I swear if there are leprechaun grams next month, I'm putting my foot down.

My other example is at Morgan's dance school. This is the second year that Morgan has been there. Last year was a little sketchy, but we talked to the director about our grievances and she actually worked with the parents on a compromise that would make everyone happy. I thought that was pretty exceptional and decided to give her another shot this year with ballet. Only, more than half of her dance instructors left after last year and while her instructor this year is a very nice girl, she's just that. A girl. I think she may be in high school? College at best. Anyway, she has a hard time instructing the girls and keeping them focused. They would rather make silly faces at each other in the mirror and slide on their ballet shoes around the studio. So, she has taken to bribing them with candy. Like EVERY week. It really irks me. I mean, Morgan should listen in class and do what she's asked to do because I PAY FOR HER TO TAKE CLASSES and because she's told to. Not because she may get some Starbursts at the end if she does. So, my plan is to let her finish out this year with her friends in her class and then shop around for a new dance studio for next year. Anyway, they are having a "promotion" this month, where if you bring a friend to class with you, you get a shirt or something like that. Big whoop-di-doo. Except, when you give these slips to a teenage girl who the girls absolutely adore and have her tell them how cool they are and how they should give them to all their friends to invite them to dance class, the girls get all whoop-di-doo about it. Seriously, you would have thought that Morgan was handed five winning lottery tickets. She is bound and determined to invite her friends to her dance studio, and I cannot, in good conscious, recommend this dance studio. Notice they did NOT run this by the parents or give the slips to the parents.

Grrrrr.

Please do not use my child to further your agenda. Do I need to put a disclaimer on her?

Disappointment at 5 PM

So there's this kickboxing class at the tennis club that I adore. Don't ask me why. It's a great workout, but that's not quite it. I think it's more the intensity of it that draws me in. Like, when I'm in there, it's me and my muscles and me kicking some imaginary perp's butt. But, as I've been to these classes, I've also come to learn that they are not all created equal. I've had four different instructors and they all do things a little bit different. My all time favorite is Jen. She's my favorite group exercise instructor in general, but particularly for kickboxing. The problem is, that she only teaches Tuesday nights at 5pm and occasionally on Saturdays. I haven't been able to make the Tuesday classes since Morgan started back in ballet in the fall since the class falls squarely in the middle of her class. The last Saturday class I went to, one of my least favorite instructors was teaching. I'm not really sure what it is about her that bugs me so much. Maybe it's her excessive use of the STEPs or maybe it's the annoying way she never allows us to finish the 8th count of something, but she just really bugs.

So, imagine my ELATION when it occurred to me that since Lance is home, I can actually go to the Tuesday kickboxing class. Oh, it was pure joy. I actually enjoyed my morning, going out to breakfast with the guys, living it up on Health Nut pancakes with sugar free syrup and egg substitute scrambled eggs, fully knowing that I had a workout coming later. With Jen. And I *heart* Jen. As the time grew closer, I went and picked out my favorite workout attire, put my hair in a high ponytail and took off for the gym. I walked in and saw a woman whom I've seen at the club many times. She's been in a lot of the classes I've taken. I actually like her a lot -- she's a fellow mom of a 2.5 year old and I've even seen her outside of the gym at local parks and whatnot. Except I never imagined her teaching. She's not exactly a Self magazine model, if you know what I mean. Not that that's the reason I didn't enjoy her class. I can see past that if the instructor is good, trust me. But, I want to be PUSHED. I want someone to make me do things I don't want to do and I want to have fun doing it. I want to look at the instructor and simultaneously cuss her and envy her fitness. I want to strive to be in as good as shape as her while she whips my butt in shape. That's what I want. I don't want to do the same slow-paced knee lifts over and over and over and over.

I was so bored in the class tonight! I worked up a little bit of a sweat, but nothing compared to how that class normally kicks my butt. She had us doing "zig zag" things that, in my opinion, are just one impulse away from jazz hands. She also frequently just jumped into some complex maneuvers without giving us any warning. Like, suddenly we'd go from doing the "zig zags" into a jab-cross-hook-upper cut-knee-back kick thing. Just like that. Without any warning or explanation. I HATE that! Oh, and then there was the "warning" we did get about a section that was coming up called TURBO. Oh, beware of the TURBO section, you're heart rate is really going to get up there! This consisted of a football shuffle and a few bob and weaves for 30 seconds at the most. I think my max heart rate the whole time was a 24, when I'm used to knocking on 30's door!

On the plus side, she was really nice. And I liked the music she picked. She obviously put a lot of time, thought and effort into it. Too bad nice and good music isn't going to reshape my ass.

A tiny rant

Okay, I have a complaint. WHY, oh WHY must the bath toy manufacturers make toys that allow the water to go IN easily, but make it nearly impossible to get the water out. It seems that no matter how much I squeeze, push, or strain, I can never get all the water out. And that water that gets stuck inside there? Yeah, it turns to mildew or mold. We have ruined our fair share of rubber duckies because their skins have turned black from the inside out. And there's no way that I can figure out how to save them.

On manufacturer has it right. Morgan got this as a gift several years ago. Dora has no holes to allow the water in. She's completely air tight. So are her twin cousins (they are her cousins, right?) Therefore, I never have to worry about spending the 10-15 minutes a bath night getting the water out of her every crack and crevice.

So, if you think about starting a bath toy making company, please keep my complaints in mind.

Me time

I've gotten an unusually supple amount of "me" time this weekend. Friday night was date night, Saturday I had a baby shower and then coffee with a friend after, and then today I spent the majority of the afternoon painting a ceramic plate with a friend. Whenever this happens, part of me starts feeling guilty over not spending more of that time with the kids or my husband. Part of me feels guilty about being so self-centered. But mostly, I'm thankful that I have a husband to go out on a date with, friends who want to hang out with me, and a husband who will take charge of the kids when I need or want to get out.

I have a lot of girl friends who have to practically barter for time out of the house without kids. I understand that you don't want someone to be taken advantage of, and that everyone needs their time alone, but really? A lot of times, these are the women that need it the most. One woman I know is the mother of a six year old, a three year old and a less than one year old. She practically NEVER gets out on her own. I just can't imagine! I guess I can't fathom it because I have always been and will always be a very independent person. Just as much as I enjoy going out on my own and being a woman and not a mother or even a wife, I know my husband enjoys the same. For example, he told me he wanted to get some geocaching in this weekend. Well, I took the kids to the park for three hours this morning/afternoon to give him the time he needed. We give and we take. It all works out in the end, and I have to believe it makes us all happier.

It almost makes the disastrous house and bickering kids seem manageable.

Gratitude

We've been fortunate to have over a week's worth of weather that has been truly "Spring like". The highs have been in the high 60's, low 70's and it's been just gorgeous. Seeing as how, according to the almanacs, it should be raining cats and dogs right now, how can you not take advantage of it? I mean, isn't this what we pay exurbanite amounts of money for housing and taxes for to live in this beautiful state?

Thursday afternoons we have a playgroup that seems to be faltering. Like, as in it's usually us and one or two other families there. But, I just couldn't keep my kids home on a gorgeous afternoon. So, we went to playgroup, all by ourselves, to a park in Pleasanton. After the park, we met Lance at Sweet Tomatoes for dinner. Now, it's amazing that this little girl of mine who used to ask every day if we could go out to dinner (since we went out so often), was so excited to be GOING OUT TO DINNER. I mean, this must have come a close second to Disneyland, judging by her reaction. And the fact that it was SWEET TOMATOES! Well, that's just her MOST FAVORITE PLACE! LOL

It's amazing, isn't it? When you get something so frequently, you quickly fall into a state of expecting it to be that way. Over the spring and summer, and even most of the fall, we get to enjoy gorgeous weather. And we just expect it to be that way. Sometimes, we aren't even grateful for it. But when it's been cold or frosty or raining and then we get a week's worth of sun, we can totally appreciate it. Much in the same way that when going out to eat is cut back to only occasionally (like once or twice a month), how much more we appreciate it.

I wish I could capture the gratitude and unload it on a day of greediness. Because it makes everything so much sweeter.

On my soapbox: The Economy

While we all watch the stock market plummet on a daily basis, it's so easy to get wrapped up in the nation-wide panic. Particularly when you have the DRAMA of it broadcasted practically all day long, every day. How many times do we have to hear the words "worst since the Great Depression" or "recession" before we start to feel the weight of it on our shoulders? It seems to me that this 24/7 shoveling of crap in our faces is definitely having it's effect on people. I have several friends who are panic stricken over what will transpire over the coming years. And while I understand their worry and concern, I can't seem to get myself in such a frenzied state.

Maybe it's because, unlike many other Americans, Lance and I live in a house that we can actually afford. When everyone else is living the "American dream", which apparently includes upside down mortgages and buying everything on credit, we've been buckling down. Budgeting and scrimping. I have to admit that sometimes I would go to my friends' houses and think to myself how nice it would be to live in a brand new house. In a new development with new decor and which didn't have an embarrassing 1970's bathroom with gold-flecked mirrors and chandeliers. We even talked about moving into a new house in a better neighborhood before I quit my job. But we agreed that what we wanted most was for me to be able to be at home with the kids, and that sacrifices were necessary. Thank God that we made that decision. Because, I can see how easily it would have been for us to get in over our heads. Trying to keep up with America.

But right now? As those people are worried about making their mortgages, Lance and I are not at all worried about our home, which is still valued much more than what we owe on it. We can focus on the other stuff - cutting corners more at the grocery store as costs increase, making sure we don't overspend in other areas of the budget; but overall, I know we'll be just fine.

While I realize that it may sound callous of me to say this, I am almost looking forward to this "recession", which I see as a correction of the overall economy to get back to what is true. I guess you could even say that I see it as the great equalizer. And I am feeling much more comfortable in my skin. And in my 1960's home that still needs lots of work. Because we can afford it. I'm looking forward seeing people put an emphasis on quality of being, rather than quantity of possessions.

My main challenge right now is to look within to see what I can give. Because there are a lot of people who haven't been nearly as blessed as we have and who where already living barely paycheck to paycheck. They are going to get hit hard by the rising prices of groceries and fuel. We don't have the excess money that we had when I was working, but we certainly have more than we absolutely need. And sometimes, what you need is to help someone else who's in trouble. Even when you don't feel like you can afford to. This is what pulls people together and makes communities one. I'm looking forward to, what I consider, getting back to basics.

I guess that makes me old fashioned? Just picture me; I'm like an 80 year old woman in my "new" 1960's house. If I start sewing our clothes, please be concerned.

Are you ready for Christmas yet??

Because I'm starting to feel like if I don't have everything done by the end of the month, we are totally screwed. It's bad enough that Costco had their gift wrap out in AUGUST and is now totally on board with Christmas trees and what not. It's also bad enough that right next to the Halloween aisles in Target are the Christmas aisles. And that Starbucks has had their "Pumpkin Spice Latte" out for at least a month.

But the number one, top ridiculous thing that I've seen yet is the email I got from JC Penney's Portrait studio. They are advertising their new online scheduler where you can sign up for your sessions on their website. This image was actually part of the email. Because, folks, OCTOBER 8th MIGHT be the last possible date for you to complete your holiday portraits. It's just plain crazy. December 21st is well over TWO MONTHS away! It seems that every year the holiday seasons get pushed on us earlier and earlier. Mark my words. When the stores take down their Christmas stuff, they will IMMEDIATELY put up Valentines Day stuff, followed shortly by Easter stuff.

I think the thing that bugs me so much about this is how this just exemplifies how our society has become so short sighted that we can't enjoy the holiday that we are about to have or that we are having. No, we have to focus on what's next. Never enjoying the moment, only thinking about the next thing we have to do. I admit that this totally feeds into my personality of being a planner, in that I have already made my Christmas lists and already started purchasing Christmas gifts. Partly because I like to take my time and find the right gift, partly because I like to spread the expense out over several months and party because EVERY TIME I turn around these days, I'm staring at Christmas bows or Santa's face. It's almost like we're "over" Halloween before we've even gotten to enjoy it! Not to mention that there is a tiny holiday in between called Thanksgiving.

Maybe this is also the maturing mom coming out also. I am trying hard to be in the moment with my kids. Even when I'm carting them about from place to place. I want to really be there with them and experience their world with them at the time. Because I'm never going to get this time back. No matter how hard, how mundane, how tired or how crazy things seem to be now. At some point in my life, I'm going to look back on these days as some of the best of my life. I'm going to miss being the mom to young kids. I'm going to wish they would sit in my lap and call my name incessantly over and over. It goes by all too fast. Why would we wish it to hurry?

So, here's my "crazy planner" pledge to you. Though I may be doing Christmas shopping, I PROMISE I won't wrap anything until Halloween is over. And I will stop and enjoy the little things day by day. Because when Christmas comes, I don't want to be "over" it also.

Things I may have done wrong tonight

1. I took some one's advice on allrecipes.com to make the Sweet and Nutty Moroccan Couscous with the Onion-Dijon Crusted Catfish. They were both good, by themselves, but did not pair well together. If I'd thought about it, I could have figured that one out. Plus, the couscous? SUPER high in calories and fat. I had about a tablespoon of it after all that work. :)

2. I let the kids play outside while I was preparing dinner since Bennett had barely any nap and Morgan took so long of a nap that I couldn't make it to the gym. When they were done, and dinner was nearly ready, Bennett was a MESS! Chalk and dirt and sand and water ALL OVER HIM. And here I am in the middle of dinner. Luckily, Lance came home a little early and was able to assist in a pre-dinner bath.

3. Just as we are sitting down to eat, our doorbell rings and then is followed by three loud bangs on our door. Nobody does that unless it's an emergency, right? So, I'm a little nervous when I answer the door and I see this KID, standing at least ten feet away from me. So, he banged on the door and then took off to put some distance between us?? I took one look at him, knew he was selling something, and said, "No thanks. It's dinner time". "What do you mean?" he asked. I repeated myself and then said "you're selling something, right?". He responded with a "yeah sort of" and I repeated myself, "NO, it's dinner time". Apparently this upset the guy, because he mumbled something under his breath as I was closing the door. I sat down at the kitchen table and then thought for sure I heard something out front. I went back to the door and saw where he'd thrown his water bottle on the ground and left it! Oh hells no!

I took off, water bottle in hand, to do justice for all us proud homeowners across this great nation of ours. I heard him down the street, two doors down. I walked up and very loudly said, "You left your trash in my yard". He said, politely in front of the person he was trying to sell to, "Oh, thank you" and then came over to get it from me. When he got up close to me, he mumbled under his breath that I could have just left it there. Oh no you didn't! So, I VERY loudly said back, "I don't come to YOUR house and leave MY trash", to which he responded that it was okay because he lives in the ghetto. And there's already trash everywhere in the ghetto.

And now I'm sitting here thinking that he's probably going to do something to my house now. Not so smart, Paige.

Friends, take two

I've been stewing on this all night because I don't think I worded my last entry about it properly. I think what it sounded like was that I'm looking for something other than what I already have. Which, is partly true. But the big difference is that I'm pretty sure the type of friendship I am desiring in my life right now will happen with someone I already know. I know a great group of women. It just takes time to develop a relationship that makes someone your "go to" person.

And while my entry may have seemed not overly optimistic, in reality, I feel really lucky to know the women I know, from all walks of life. I'm looking forward to taking some of these relationships to the next level. Because I'm missing my go to person.

Okay, I feel better now. :)

Quick rant

I'm looking for Halloween costumes and have a couple of themes in mind for full-family fun.

Buuut.
BUT.

I cannot, for the life of me, find SERIOUS wholesome costumes for adult women. Noooo! It's gotta be sexy this or flirty that. And while Lance is all "yyyeeeahhh!", somehow I just don't think the school or other various CHILDREN'S functions would approve.

/rant

Keeping it real

I have a couple of topics bubbling up to the surface, so you may have to endure a couple of long-winded, incoherent, oh-so-serious entries here over the next few days. I'll try to pepper my blog with the crazy antics of my kids (or myself, as the case may be), just to keep you guys happy, but I need to get these thoughts out. It's cathartic for me.

So, the first topic is friends and authenticity. On more than one occasion lately, I have had separate people tell me that what they are looking for in a friend is someone who's real. Someone who has a grasp on reality and shares not just the good, but also the not-so-good. Someone who doesn't need to overdo the makeup or overdo the concern over appearance. These people are looking for someone to connect to that is real. Because life doesn't always wear lipstick. Sometimes, life involves dealing with things like infertility or arguments. Bad things happen and not everyone lives the life of the Cleavers.

I feel like there have been very few people in my life that have totally accepted me for exactly who I am. Not needing anything. Not wanting to change who I am. Taking the good with the bad. Allowing me to be exactly who I am. I can count on my fingers the people in my life that fall into that category. I have tons of friends whom I have a lot of fun with. We laugh and we support each other, but only up to a certain point. When the going gets tough, some people don't know how to handle it. I will admit that to some, I am that person. I'm the one that is just a casual friend. I'm the one that gets all flustered when bad things happen and doesn't know what to say. To others, I'm more. I guess it just boils down to who you "click" with, what you have in common, etc.

And also? If life is so grand and everything is so great, then what on earth do we need friends for? I have enough people in my life that would love to come along on the celebratory ride. How many would stand by me when times are hard and life takes you down a different path?

The deep friendships I've maintained aren't people I talk to daily. They are friends I've had and kept along the way. Right now, I have a few friendships which are developing. Recently, I've met some new people and have gotten closer to some existing friends. I don't need more surface friendships. I don't need someone who's kid is better behaved than mine or who knows everything there is to know about everything. I need someone that I can pick up the phone and call when I'm sobbing. I need someone who will understand if I tell them that I made a mistake and I'm sorry and will really forgive me. I need someone who acknowledges their own mistakes and shortcomings and allows me to accept them. I need someone that doesn't care if I haven't shaved my legs or if my car needs to be washed. I need someone who cares about me enough to NOT pass judgment. I have a great relationship with my husband and my mom. But I'm looking forward to finding that friend. Because there's nothing quite like a good girl friend that you connect with regularly. To help keep you sane in the very REAL world.

Number 12 - just for good measure

12. I just noticed that Firefox is displaying the pictures from my previous blog entry on top of each other. IE does not. I had to edit the entry only about 5,327 times and finally did it in IE since Firefox wouldn't let me drag the picture above where the box was in Blogger. IE will let me do that, but won't let me Undo when something goes awry. Frickity frack. Well, you know what? If you want to see the pictures without them being on top of each other, you're gonna have to suck it up and use IE. So there, Internet! ;)

It's time to relax, damnit!

I recognize that I'm a "talker". I guess you could say I come from a long line of "talkers", and that there will be many more generations of "talkers" to come (as evidenced by the five year old, and maybe even the one year old, too). I've also been known to wake up in the middle of the night, or early morning and not be able to go back to sleep because my mind is awake and I can't quiet it.

You know what? It's hard being a talker! I talk so much that when there's nobody else to talk to, I talk to MYSELF. And that's a tad bit inconvenient when you are trying desperately to relax and let your mind GO. Have you ever done a stream of consciousness type of writing? Witness my experience at the spa this morning.

I get there a tad early, get in my robe and hang out in the lobby area, sipping water and reading my book. Pretty soon, a petite woman named Amanda comes to get me and lets me know that she's going to be my esthetician for the day. She lays out the day's agenda for me. Brow wax, salt glow and then a one hour deep Swedish massage. Sounds decadent!

We start the session off with some small talk, but immediately start Mom talk and I discover that she is actually by new BFF. Once she's managed to tame my brows, we move to another room where I'm asked to put on those famous gauze "underwear" and lay on the table. I do as I'm told, and look forward to the return of my new favorite esthetician. We continue our conversation and I'm so wrapped up in it, that I hardly realize that I'm actually getting a spa treatment and the whole point is to unwind. We're chatting away and then she says, "You are going to LOVE your massage today. I've heard he's really great. I've never actually had a massage from him before....because he's male....and he's cute TOO. I just can't do that. He told me he has seen a million butts before, but there's something about working with him also."

Insert panicky mind traffic.

That's right! I'm having a GUY massage therapist. I forgot!
He's cute? How cute?
A million butts?
He's going to SEE my BUTT?
I'm not wearing any makeup.
Who cares about makeup, what about the varicose veins?
Will I have time between treatments to at least go dry my hair?
What, am I going to DATE this guy?? Who cares. Really.

And that's what I settle on. Who cares really.

Until the salt glow was finished and I headed out to use the restroom and look in the mirror; seriously, I look OLD!

Who cares really.

Refill my water, add a slice of orange and then go sit in the sauna with my book.
I hope he can find me in here.
How will I know if it's him looking for me.
She said he was cute.
How cute?

WHO CARES REALLY?

Since I wasn't getting much reading done, I leave the sauna and go refill my water again and then a guy comes up to me and asks me if I'm Paige. And seriously? He wasn't even that good looking. I mean, he was no Woody Allen, but I don't think I'd classify him as good looking, per se. Breathing a sigh of relief, I follow him to the massage room. He asks me a few questions about areas to focus on and then leaves me to drop the robe and get on the table. A moment later, he knocks, comes back in when I respond and starts the massage.

Ahh, a guy. Guys don't like to talk. Time for me to relax. Let all the thoughts leave my mind. Ahhh.
What is that noise? Is he clanking CANDY in his mouth?

*crunch....crunch....crunch*

Is he CHEWING candy? Well, that's a little distracting. (as opposed to DISSECTING IT)

*heavy breathing*

Okay, *almost* good looking man, what is the heavy breathing about? Is chomping on that candy hard work?
Are you working that hard on the massage? It feels good and all, but that's pretty loud breathing.
Maybe he's trying to FLIRT with me?? Nahh. They aren't allowed to do that. Even though, I'm totally sure he wants to. Varicose veins and all.
Just tune it out. It's time to relax. Let the thoughts go.
Relax.
Man, I'm hungry. Hope he didn't hear my stomach growl.
I ate a good breakfast - blueberries, 1/2 cup of yogurt, double fiber english muffin and four cups of coffee.
Four cups is a lot. Plus the water. Hope I don't have to pee anytime soon.
I really like the water with the slice of orange in it. I should do that at home.
Wonder what the kids are doing right now.
Hope Lance gets the present for the party wrapped and gets Morgan ready to go before I get home.
Hopefully I can just come home and veg out since it will be nap time and Lance is taking Morgan to the party.
Maybe I'll blog.
What will I blog about.
That reminds me about the book. Having a hard time nailing down the plot. Should work on that. Maybe when I get home.
I kind of want to write it from a male perspective, but I can't recall a single book that I've read that was written by a woman, but had a male's perspective.
Hmmm
Okay, this can wait until later. Now it's time to relax.
Relax.
Ouch, that knot is NOT coming out of my shoulder.
Wonder why I get such bad knots.
Am I holding Bennett the wrong way? I try to mix it up and hold him in both arms, but I usually just do the one arm, most of the time.
He's so heavy now. Gosh, he's grown so big.
I can't believe school starts in a month.
I need to take Morgan school clothes shopping. That will be so fun!
I should wait until August, though, to take advantage of the new month's budget.
Oh, time to roll over already? Gosh, this goes by fast.
Okay, roll over quickly and pull the covers of you so he can't catch a peek.
WAIT A SECOND. IS HE WEARING HEADPHONES??? Seriously??
Is that so wrong? I'd probably want to wear headphones if I were a CMT.
I wonder what he's listening to.
Would it be rude to ask? Like would he feel all called out on his lack of concentration on MOI??
Now that he's sitting right behind my head, I can kind of hear it.
I wonder if I could have heard it before. You know, when I was busy TALKING TO MYSELF.
Why do I do this? Why can't I turn it off?
He moved my hand out of the way, hope it's not getting in his way.
Also hope he doesn't rub up against me.
Eeeww.
I think I'm sticking with girls for massages from now on.
Way less complicated. At least they'll carry on a conversation with me.


And then I won't be stuck here trying to relax, but actually just talking to myself.

Camping out at home

Most weeks, I have stuff planned to get the kids out of the house nearly every day of the week. It's just so much easier to keep them busy, rather than dealing with the tantrums and hitting and fighting that eventually surfaces when kept indoors too much. I do usually reserve a day for hanging out at home so I can try to get some stuff done. More often than not, I'm talked into going to the park or going swimming, or whatever the activity du jour is. This is all fine and good, but I also think that sometimes it's good for the kids to just hang out at home. And use their imagination. And figure out how to play together. Sometimes nicely, sometimes not.

Yesterday was a day like that. I literally did not leave the house. I can't remember a day when I did that. We did, at least, play outside at the sand table and exploring the yard, but we didn't leave our address. And even though I was asked repeatedly where we were going, I stuck to my guns and we just hung out at home. You want to know what they did??

They camped! Lance bought these miniature tents a couple years ago from Woot. Morgan played with hers for a while after we first got them, but Bennett, of course, hasn't had a chance. He enjoyed going "night night" in it, but didn't really care for it when Morgan zipped him in there. Morgan was all about that they were camping and went and got food from the play kitchen for them to cook over the fire. It was very cute! Please excuse the dark video - it was "night time" at the old camping spot and no lights were allowed on. :)

While they were camping, I was able to change their sheets, dust their rooms, clean out and reorganize the hall closet and get laundry going. Which leads me to the following question for you.

Which of these are Morgan's and which are Bennett's?

Not that you can tell by SIZE, but the ones on the right are Bennett's and they are size 6-12 months. The ones on the left are Morgan's. Size 5T. *shrugs* Why must the girl's shorts be so small and the boys shorts be so big?? Just curious.

After camping was over (read: Bennett got tired of being zipped up in the tent), it was outside for some fresh air while I swept up the courtyard and porch and weeded the front yard. The kids played with chalk, played in the sand table and threw balls around. Lunch time came next and then nap time. I took the opportunity during nap time to call and make myself an appointment for the spa tomorrow. After nap time, it was the witching hours until dinner. Bennett has two teeth coming in on the bottom right now (finally we get some more - he has had six since February) and he's just got the devil in him. He was alternating between throwing his sippy cup at stuff, hitting Morgan and climbing up on stuff. The boy exhausts me. :) I'm sure we'll all be happy when his teeth come in. Even the dog.