Top Ten Lessons from my Mother

10. Ettiquette
I often wondered if my mom might have secretly been Emily Post. It wasn't like we lived some high brow life style, but it seemed like my Mom always knew the right things to do. From the timeline on writing thank you cards to when it was okay to wear what type of clothing to the right thing to say during difficult times, my mother always seems to know the answer. In fact, at times, friends have asked me for advice on ettiquette on a few occasions, and I often let them know that I will run it by my Mom. She knows everything! Hopefully some of this has rubbed off on me.

9. Go to church, every Sunday
I remember fighting with my Mom on some Sundays, not wanting to go through the effort of getting ready for church, making the 20 minute drive there and sitting through what I deemed to be a boring and lengthy service. However, if it weren't for that being ingrained in my heart and soul from an early age, I am not sure that myself or my family would have our relationship with God that we have now. She must have known how my soul would long for the filling up I get on Sundays and how that would lead me down the path of a stronger walk with the Lord.


8. Never put something in writing you wouldn't want someone to see
I am pretty sure this one has bitten me on the butt several times, but I often have my mother's voice in my head as I put my proverbial pen to paper, whether it be an email, a blog or an actual letter. I always keep this exact quote in mind. It not only helps keep me honest, but it also forces me to be empathetic.

7. Don't let people take advantage of you
I wasn't too old when my mother first recognized that I was a strong personality and often attracted a certain type of "friend" who needed guidance or help from a stronger person. My mother was always cautioning me to make sure I wasn't being taken advantage of by various friends who might not have been as good for me as was trying to be for them. I have a tendency to want to help, or "fix" these friends and it's lead to many heartbreaks for me. My mother was also fairly good about limiting the "I told you so's". :)


6. It's not easy to be a good parent, but it is easy to be a bad parent (Also known as: If I didn't care, I would let you do that)
My parents modeled this lesson by example. They were very strict with myself and my brother growing up and while it was hard to understand why then, being a parent now I realize how discipline and consistency are the keys to good parenting. We've often talked about the easy way out (giving in to what the kids want) vs. the hard way (being consistent) and I've seen it pay off with my own kids as they've grown. I only hope my fortitude will remain as we enter the teenage years! 


5. Make traditions, make memories
 This isn't a lesson that I was explicitly taught, but it was one I learned by being in a family that was really close and that thrived on traditions and made lots of memories. Some of these traditions, I've carried on into my own family (hamburgers on Christmas Eve, birthday dinners, etc) and I've even made new traditions. When I think back to my own childhood, it was even the tiniest of traditions that created the biggest memories. I hope my kids will be able to look back and have the same feelings I have.

4. Give lots of hugs and even more kisses


This is another lesson that nobody had to teach, I just learned. I remember even when I was much too big to be crawling into my momma's lap, sitting there basking in her love. Uncounted hugs, uncounted kisses - given freely to me just for being there.

3. It's not all about you
My mother has always taken time out for others. I've seen her lead this lesson by example my entire life. If someone was sick, she would bring them dinner. If there was help that was needed at school or at church, you would most likely find her there helping. She got us involved too. We would help buy and give gifts to those less fortunate than us as kids. Heck, she even keeps track of how often she can give blood (she is often low on iron and can only give so often), and when she can she does. She taught us that there is more to life than us. That we are not the center of the universe, that we are part of a community and that it's important to give back.

2. Take time for yourself, you are important too
Lest you think my mother was some sort of martyr that only gave and never took care of herself, please let me be the one to tell you that my momma is a well rounded lady. She has bridge nights, couples' bridge, golf, handbells, choir, dinners/breakfast and movie nights with friends,  mah johng, etc. The list goes on and on and it always has. She has a life. She is not defined by being a wife or a mother or any one thing. She is well rounded and I love her for teaching me that lesson.


1. You can do anything you set your mind to
My mother would regularly say this to me. Exactly as I've stated it above. There was no doubt in her mind and therefore little room for doubt in mine. If I wanted something, all I had to do was decide I wanted it and do the work and it would be mine. I cannot even begin to explain how big a role this lesson has played in my life. I only hope I'm able to do the same for my children.

My Momma. She's pretty amazing, right?

Never let them see you sweat

Or cry for that matter. No matter how many children you have, it seems that nothing can bring you to tears quite like a good combination of baby "issues", postpartum hormones and an inconsiderate doctor.

When Morgan was a baby, she would not latch on to nurse for anything. They sent me home from the hospital with all kinds of contraptions, never really explaining to me that it wasn't normal or that she was at risk for many things (including but not limited to jaundice, Failure To Thrive, etc.). I knew my milk had not come in yet and knew that she wasn't really eating great, but felt assured that the tubing that they had me tape to my chest before every feeding would make it all better. Or maybe that she would eventually get the hang of drinking from a medicine cup or medicine dropper. It never dawned on me until we went to our first in-office pediatric appointment, the day after being released from the hospital, that her excellent sleeping habits might actually be caused my malnutrition. Imagine hearing that, as a first time parent from a professional doctor. In other words, I heard "you are starving your baby and that is why she sleeps so much". The panic alarms went off inside me and I got completely stressed out. The fact that she wouldn't nurse made it all that more alarming. I was pumping and feeding her, but apparently not as often as they wanted or as much as they would like. Forget the fact that she was sleeping. I was told things like "strip her down and put a cold rag on her to get her to eat". When you hear things like that, the stress level escalates and you feel like the worst parent ever. And with Morgan being our first, I felt it all compounded with these major feelings of inadequacy and kept asking myself how I was going to do this. What have I gotten myself into? Eventually, I gave in and decided to confront nipple confusion head on and while I continued giving her breastmilk, I found it much easier to do so in a bottle and not the medicine dropper. We got into the groove of bottle feeding her, and then pumping for the next feeding. This happened so frequently (it took 20-30 minutes to bottle feed and 15-20 minutes to pump) that it seems like I was doing this around the clock, especially through growth spurts. I would periodically try her on the breast, at times when she wasn't completely starving and I had a lot of patience. Finally, somewhere around 8 weeks old, she finally caught on to the nursing thing and we went on to successfully nurse until she was about 10 months old.

Then there was Bennett. Now, he came out hungry and nursing like a champ, so all my anxiety related to that quickly dissipated and just as I was getting confident in what a great baby I had (heck, my milk was in and he was gaining weight before we even left the hospital!), I realized that I had been thrown another parental curve ball. A fussy or difficult baby that wouldn't sleep. I knew from the moment we brought him home that he was way more interested in making sure he didn't miss a thing at home than he was in sleeping. We had invested in those new-fangled swaddling blankets and I was using them religiously. That is until Mr. Houdini figured out how to free himself. Every. Single. Time. There were nights where we were up every 30-45 minutes because he had freed himself and was pissing himself off with his free arms. Oh the torture! We'd have to reswaddle him, settle him down and pray that the swaddle stuck for longer than an hour. I remember researching different/new swaddle blankets, swaddling him in a regular blanket INSIDE the swaddle blanket, etc. Nothing was keeping this kid in and he just didn't seem to want to sleep unless he was tightly swaddled. He was one of those babies you had to be careful to not overstimulate him and had to watch his cues like a hawk, lest you miss the yawn in that perfect window for sleeping. Which is not always easy with another kid in tow, mind you. But, eventually we quit the swaddle blanket. Cold turkey was the best way to go and we never looked back from there. Bennett still is not my "good sleeper", but nevertheless, we managed to work our way through that parental challenge.

Baby number three - what else is there that hasn't been covered? I've had the baby that didn't eat and the baby that didn't sleep. I felt pretty well prepared for both of these situations and knew what indicators to look for for either one of these types. When Landon was born, he latched on and nursed like a champ, right away. After bringing him home and him having his days and nights mixed up for the first two nights, he started to give us 3-4 hour stretches of sleep at night. Blessed sleep! Is it true? Did we get the perfect baby?

Well, if I had spent a little less time romanticizing the perfect third child, perhaps would not have been in for the rude awakening that I was to experience when he failed to gain weight back as expected for a baby who was latching on so great. Well, apparently he was eating only the minimum amount needed to sustain his little body and then he would promptly go back to sleep. This was made clear in the week after his birth, where he maintained his weight at 8 lbs 14 oz for the entire week. We were in the pediatricians office nearly every day that week and we watched as he lost an ounce, gained an ounce and then maintained. We were given the advice to wake him every 2 hours during the day to feed him and every 3 hours at night. We did this, but he did not gain. Next, we were told to do this AND supplement with a bottle of breast milk after EVERY feeding. I completely lost it at this appointment because I felt like such an idiot. I mean, come on. I'm not new at this. How could I not know that my child was not getting enough to eat? How could I have been so proud of his sleeping when his sleeping was getting in the way of his eating (similarly to Morgan)? Also, I began to have flashbacks to the issues I went through with Morgan. All the pumping and bottle feeding. I didn't want to accept this as the answer because I knew how much work it was. And my baby WAS latching correctly. It just all seemed too much. Not to mention that the doctor we saw that day (not our regular pediatrician) said a few things that really rubbed me the wrong way. I was a bawling, hormonal mess. I texted my friend Melissa and she called me. I could not keep it together while talking to her. She gave me some great advice - just nurse your baby. He's going to gain weight. It's temporary. Hang in there. And so I did. I hung in there, I nursed him every 2-3 hours and then my mom and Lance bottle fed him after while I pumped. We did that for two more days and then went in for another weight check. Finally, FINALLY he gained weight - adding 3 oz to his 8lbs 14 oz, he weighed in at 9 lbs 1oz!. We were advised to feed more on demand (since Landon was not showing signs of hunger) but continue to supplement. So we did that for another two days and he gained another 2 oz! Our pediatrician then recommended that we continue to feed on demand and cut out the supplemental bottles and so we did that and after another two days, he gained 4 oz, up to 9 lbs 7 oz (only 2 oz shy of his birth weight, which is where they want them to be at 2 weeks old). Finally, we were told we were out of the woods and could officially quit worrying about his weight gain. It seems like he's gotten over the hump and was nursing more efficiently.

Now I've got a little oversupply issue to deal with, but I remember going through that with Bennett before and know how to manage that. But, it is just always something, right? I know nobody ever said caring for a newborn was easy, but who ever thought that three babies could be so different, but yet each of them make you sweat and cry nonetheless. I've told Morgan and Bennett about the ways they challenged me as a mother when they were newborns and one day I'll have the same conversation with Landon. Maybe it will help them appreciate me even more.

I got called out

The Internet people found me. And they worried about me. Wow, what a gentle nudge I needed to get back to something I love, blogging. It's become so hard to find time for myself these days. Heck, even at 8 months pregnant, it's hard for me to find the time while at work to simply go to the restroom or eat lunch. So goes the world of a working mom, especially one in a new role with a new team at work. On the weekends, we are spending time at soccer, working on the house, birthday parties and more.

Lance has been great, however, providing me with as much time as I need to put my swollen feet up and relax while he takes care of the other things at home like dinner and getting the kids to bed. When I found a photography class I wanted to take about two months ago, he really encouraged me to take it, knowing how much I would love it and how it would bring back a little piece of me.

Well, the photography class ended last week. But maybe my random poke from the Internet people is a good enough reason to continue to carve out a little bit of time for me. After all, in about a month, it's going to be all about a newborn baby boy. Might as well continue trying to carve out time for myself amidst all the chaos.

Heck, seeing as how it's the start of Lent today, it may even be a good thing to commit to. Or is that crazy?

A great day!

Today, my friend Melissa A had a brand new baby boy. She was scheduled for a C section and so we knew approximately when he'd be making his debut. We were all glued to Facebook, waiting for the first word of his arrival, all eagerly anticipating the details. The big question was what his name would be since it kept secret until he was here. Other than that, who would he look like and how big would he be? Her husband, Marshall, kept us updated from his blackberry up until the time they went in for surgery. Those had to have been the longest minutes of the day! Finally, Drake Marshall arrived. He looks so much like her, with his little chin, mouth and nose. It's no mistaking who he belongs to!

Pretty soon the excitement died down a bit and I started to think about my friend and her new family member in the hospital. I got all teary-eyed remember back to the times I had spent getting to know my newborn child. With Morgan, there was so much emotion over her being a girl and the date and time that she was born. There was an instant connection. With Bennett, not knowing what to do with a boy, and also being concerned over my other child who was not with me, the connection didn't come quite as instantaneously. But by the time we had made it through the first night, my boy and I were connected very strongly. The memories I have of Lance and I getting to know each of our children for the first time will be forever sketched in my memory and I will always look back on them fondly.

Now my friends are doing the same. I'm so excited for them! Can't wait to meet Drake!

A lesson from a little silver box

Today was our last MOPS meeting of the semester. I've come to really look forward to this twice-a-month gathering with other moms, where for two precious hours, we get to be adults. We have a hot breakfast together, without children clamoring for our attention. We get to converse without being interrupted. We get to hear wonderful speakers on everything from nutrition to ways to improve our marriage and family life. Sometimes we even get to make a cute craft like a necklace with a picture of our children, or chocolate dipped pretzels! Regardless, it's nice to have those couple of hours there, smack dab in the middle of the week to relax and enjoy being with other moms.

Today, we not only had a speaker who talked about how important it is to take trips with our family, trips with our husband and trips with our girl friends (who doesn't want to hear that?), but we ended with a little silver box. We each had one with our name on it and there were little slips of paper at each table for us to use to write 2-3 things about each person and then put it in their box. There was a sheet with some examples on it in case you got stuck, but I found that it wasn't hard at all to write 2-3 nice things about each one of the my MOPS mom friends. Once we were done, we tied the ribbons up and went off to pick up our children from their program.

So, I had no idea what was in my box until I got home from picking Morgan up from school. She immediately noticed the little shiny box and was very curious about what was in it. I explained to her what we had done at MOPS. I told her that I didn't know yet what my friends had written about me. The look on her face said more than any words could. She looked at me expectantly. Hopefully. I could tell that she wanted me to open the box.

So, I sat on the step with a kid at each of my sides and untied the ribbon. I pulled out the papers, one by one.

Beautiful
Loving
Fun
Loving

"Mom, that's TWO Lovings!!"

Organized
Thoughtful
Loving

"ANOTHER Loving!"

Godly example
Captivating
Caring
Wonderful
Funny
Godly example

"Someone else said that too!"

Encouraging
Relate-able
Sweet

As I pulled the last one out of the box, I looked at Morgan and she had the biggest grin on her face. And that's when it hit me. She was proud of me. She was seeing what other people said about me and it made her proud. What a heartwarming moment. And also a lesson for me, in that our children are equally as proud of us as we are of them. What more reason do we need than that to try to be our best person? She hugged me and said, "Three people said you were loving!!". I asked her if she agreed with what my friends thought of me and she nodded her head quickly and said, "yes, I do," then gave me another hug.

Then Morgan suggested that we make boxes for everyone in our family. So we can do the same. And you know what, I think we will!

Remembering my former self

I agreed to meet two of my former coworkers for lunch this afternoon. Not too long ago, it wasn't all that uncommon for us to get together for all you can eat Indian or that awesome little Thai place in Mountain View. But nowadays, going out for a real meal for lunch is practically unheard of and I rarely go with anyone outside of my mommy/children/parenting circle. Even if I have known them before children, they now have children to, so our frame of reference has changed as well. But these people that I had lunch with today, there is no other context for them other than my previous job. One of them is the proud father of two older kids and the other is a self proclaimed non-baby-lover step mother of adult children. So, it's not as if they don't have kids at all. But, they aren't in the throws of toddlerhood or Kindergarten. They aren't eating and sleeping and breathing the same things I am these days.

Before, in my former life, we'd talk about things like budgets, off site meetings, schedules and the random office gossip. We'd laugh over the idiotic thing that happened in that meeting earlier or we'd vent to each other about the inefficiencies of being purchased by a large machine-type corporation. Now, we all work in different spots. Each of them having gone on to a different job after I left work to stay at home. I'm further out of the office political loop than I ever have been and we were forced to connect in different ways. At first, I was a little hesitant about the lunch, not knowing what we would talk about, but it was really good to catch up with former coworkers and to also see new sides of them. We reinvented ourselves and in turn, reinvented our relationships with each other.

During the meeting, one of my former coworkers (who now works for Apple), kept checking his iPhone. It was like he had one foot out the door the whole time. And I sooo remember being like that. There was always something going on. An email that had to be answered. A time-sensitive decision to be made or a signature to get. A meeting to not be late for. And now? My time is mostly my own. It's only as crazy as I make it, so there's no one else to blame. But you know what, I'm completely present. At lunch today, I was completely present both mentally and emotionally. It made me realize how much happier my kids must be now that they don't have to share me with a meeting, or a budget, or a schedule, or a decision. They have me. All of me. All the time. And I don't have to worry about how poorly I'm doing in one area or the other due to having to split my time. If I'm doing poorly, it's just in the one area. :) That's a lot less guilt to carry.

Me and my kids, we're both very lucky.

Worst mom award winner

You know how a friend might accidentally drop their child, say from the changing table or something like that? You know how they are all distressed and you tell them repeatedly not to worry about it, that their baby is fine and that it's harder on the parent than it is on the child?

Well, up until today, I could never truly empathize with the mother in those situations because I have never dropped my child. Until today. It happened so quickly, yet in such slow motion. I could see it happening, but had no way of stopping it. I keep replaying it over and over in my head, beating myself up for it, even knowing that it won't do any good. No, I dropped my son and I can't take it back.

He's not even really that badly hurt. He's got a bruise on his forehead, a scrape on his cheek, his chin and both knees. But the crying. Oh my. I'll hear that cry in my head and in my heart for a long time.

It happened innocently enough. At 30+ pounds, my son is a load to carry. Our morning walks to drop Morgan off to school are an effort in me balancing him, some keys, my coffee cup, or whatever else we have going on that day. I can't let him walk because he is just too slow and even if that didn't drive me crazy, he would get trampled on by the other students who are walking at a much faster pace. This includes his sister. So, I have to carry him. Well, the other day I had the bright idea of shoulders. So much easier, right? And it was! So, today I did the same for the trip back to the car. We were kind of in a hurry because I was meeting my friend Kristin at the park for a walk. I popped him up on my shoulders and chatted with a friend until we reached our car. When we got there, I opened the card door, grabbed him with both hands. I lifted him up off my shoulders, over my head and down to the ground where I went to set his feet on the ground. Only his feet didn't hit the ground. Instead, he toppled over forwards, into the door jam of my car and also onto the sidewalk. Like I said before, this all happened so quickly, but in such slow motion. Then the crying started.

Now, my boy is tough. He's been known to walk up to you with a huge scrape on his arm and not even care that it's there. I never worry with him that he's over exaggerating something, because he just doesn't do that. But his cry. Well, it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. He started wailing. Normally I can ask him if he's okay and he'll stop his crying and say yes and that's that. But not this time. Nope, he just kept wailing.

I held him as tight as I could. As if I could apologize for not being more careful simply by squeezing him tighter. I rocked him side to side, shushing him like a newborn, telling him over and over again, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!" Finally, his cries subsided and I got a good look at him. Then I started crying. A huge bruise on his forehead, scrapes everywhere. My fault. I shouldn't have. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry.

He looked at me and said, "Momma, you crying?" I told him I was, because I was sorry that he got hurt. I asked him if he was okay and he said he was. I just kept asking over and over again.

"Bennett, I'm so sorry you got hurt. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, Momma. Me o-tay"

Now I know how it feels. And why it's so hard to let it go.

Honoring mothers!

This morning was the annual mothers day brunch for the moms club. Unlike the past few years, I did absolutely nothing to contribute to this brunch. I felt a little guilty, having not participated in the preparation, but it was nice to just go and enjoy it! Sure, I had to get up and say some things and help hand out the raffle prizes, but that was just a small part of the overall event and the event went off without a hitch!

We tried a new venue this year since our previous spot closed down. We went with a place this is still developing, trying to get in on something good from the beginning and it totally paid off. We agreed to hold our brunch at The Callippee Preserve Golf Club vista dining area, overlooking the golf course. We had the entire covered patio (with heaters) to ourselves and even though it was raining, everyone kept commenting on how nice it was to have it outside with the fresh air. The decorations were fabulous, as a couple of the board members had taken time to plant fresh flowers as place settings and there were large potted hydrangeas in the center of the tables. There were little goody bags of chocolates, an envelope with donations for a free sitting fee at a local photographer, free bowling, etc., and wrapped up Bay Area Mama books for everyone! It was definitely a sight! The food was outstanding, the champagne flowed, as did the laughter and chatter.


Many of the board members solicited donations from local businesses for raffle prizes. I had done this on previous occasions, and pretty much refused to do it this year. :) That didn't stop the dedicated board members, however! We had everything from gift certificates for Dinners Galore, a tea room, bowling, quilting, scrapbooking and stamping, a chocolate store, and a spa to candles and kitchen gadgets as well as raffling off the centerpieces. Everyone walked away with something; it was fabulous!

It was wonderful to sit and talk to these women for as long as we liked. We were there from 11am until 2pm and we didn't have to worry about children running off or cutting up food. We just had to sit, eat, drink and relax. What a way to honor mothers!

Calling all moms

Tonight we had a moms night out. We are having the playgroups sponsor the night outs, so you at least know there are going to be some people there and so that those people will be hanging out with people they already know, even if no one else shows up. Which is a good thing. Since NOBODY SHOWS UP! I just don't get it. Apparently I'll never get it. I'm a social person - love going out and doing things with my family and friends. I would think that at least 10% of a group of women would be something like me. Or at least have a desire to get out of the house at night for some time with other moms, not having to worry about who your child is pushing or what they have their tongue on.

So tonight, my playgroup was sponsoring the moms night out. We planned a night out at the bowling alley and looked for a date that would work for everyone in our playgroup. We planned it and a grand total of FOUR people, including me showed up. Now, I do realize that things come up and people can't always follow through with their intentions, and I'm not mad or upset about it. I'm just more baffled. I mean, if you were to talk to the women in the moms club, they would tell you how much they need a girls night out. I'm confident that it would be at least 75% of the women that would say that yes, they need a girls night out. But when it comes down to it, they don't come.

Now, we still had a great time. In fact, we were so busy talking that we had a hard time remembering who's turn it was to bowl. Heck, Melissa, who is super pregnant, wasn't even bowling and still came just to hang out. In fact, due to her influences, we ended up at Chili's splitting some chips and queso and molten lava cake. We closed the place down chatting about everything from our kids, to our in laws and relatives to facebook.

I've been trying to figure it out for the past four or five years that I've been on the board for the moms club. We've tried various things to make it easier (later evening coffee and conversation, a movie where you don't have to have awkward conversations, free hiking, dinners and brand new restaurants, etc) and the turn out is always consistently low. We've checked with surrounding mothers clubs, those that have five times as many members and percentage wise, they are having about the same kind of turn out as we are.

I just don't get it. Don't these moms need to get out? I mean, it could be that they are able to get out regularly with their husbands, but even still - don't they want to hang out with their mom friends? I know I love bouncing stuff off of my mom friends. And that story about how Bennett got a hold of the lighter is way much more fun to tell over a margarita or two.

If you are a mom, please let me know -- do you get out regularly? Do you get out with other moms? If so, why do you do it. If not, why? What would make it easier or better to get out? Inquiring minds want to know!