Gift of Time

I'm sitting here on a beautiful, sunny day in gorgeous Northern California. The kids are all tuckered out from a sleepover last night and then a morning out at one of our favorite swimming holes in the area -- a summer tradition. We are leaving tomorrow to fly home to Florida to see my family and to drive up to Alabama for a family reunion. And I'm ready. I'm not that crazy person running around at 1AM looking for that travel toothbrush. I can sit here and do something I love, blogging, and feel good about it without stress over the trip (aside from the stresses of traveling with a tyrannical two year old). I'm looking forward to starting a new job in a few weeks. Actually, if you want to know the truth, I'm like a kid waiting for the first day of school at their beloved school. I'm able to get myself into the right frame of mind for what that holds, because of this time I have. I'm planning a fun party for my awesome husbands' 40th birthday. You see, I've been able to spend the past two months with my kids and helping at their school, and taking care of a bunch of little things that I never seem to have time for. I've been able to take the kids to all the fun places we try to squeeze in each spring and summer. What a blessing. I honestly cannot think of a better gift to give someone. The gift of time.

For some of my friends, they would probably say that my positive outlook is somewhat new, as I've spent the past 18 months going through a very lengthy and painful divestiture process at my place of employment. From one moment to the next,  my hopes and dreams rode on the fate of folks that I have never spoken to, and some that I have. I would be lied to, manipulated, counted on, dismissed, and often times having to pass along not very good news to a wonderful team. The team exploded and had to be put back together a few times. We lost key people at inopportune times. It was hard. It was hard on me. I felt like a whole different person. I wasn't able to successfully accomplish much at work given the situation. It really started to weigh on me and it was a fairly unhealthy environment for me. There were days where things were great, as I was heavily engaged with potential buyers and saw hope in them. But, it would all come crashing down, when later we discovered that, yet again, we couldn't close a deal. I remember when I started working at this company, and how it all came to be. I remember talking to my Mom about how things lined up, doors just opened at it seemed I was destined to be there at that time. God put me there for sure. I was just trying to figure out why. Was I there to be a leader when none other was present? Was I there because of where the company was going to end up? I went through 18 months of this uncertainty and without clear purpose. 

I am not going to try to tell you that I have now figured out why those doors opened for me when they did, but I can tell you that out of that dark time in my life came an ability to live a more balanced life. As I prepare for the next stop in my journey, I can't help but wonder how my balance will be in another couple of years. I just hope that God continues to bless me with time and the ability to balance life.

I got called out

The Internet people found me. And they worried about me. Wow, what a gentle nudge I needed to get back to something I love, blogging. It's become so hard to find time for myself these days. Heck, even at 8 months pregnant, it's hard for me to find the time while at work to simply go to the restroom or eat lunch. So goes the world of a working mom, especially one in a new role with a new team at work. On the weekends, we are spending time at soccer, working on the house, birthday parties and more.

Lance has been great, however, providing me with as much time as I need to put my swollen feet up and relax while he takes care of the other things at home like dinner and getting the kids to bed. When I found a photography class I wanted to take about two months ago, he really encouraged me to take it, knowing how much I would love it and how it would bring back a little piece of me.

Well, the photography class ended last week. But maybe my random poke from the Internet people is a good enough reason to continue to carve out a little bit of time for me. After all, in about a month, it's going to be all about a newborn baby boy. Might as well continue trying to carve out time for myself amidst all the chaos.

Heck, seeing as how it's the start of Lent today, it may even be a good thing to commit to. Or is that crazy?

What a difference a year makes!

Hello. Is this thing still working? Wow, can't believe it's been almost a year since my last blogging. Crazy. Well, I suppose I should catch you up (that is if anyone is still following this!).

Since last December, I moved into a new role at work, managing the program management team in the webcam group. I was thrown into the role as my former boss was made GM of another product group in our business unit. At the same time, I took over another project, managing Video Calling on Google TV, which was released last month! The project was really challenging, but also really interesting and fun and I'm really proud of the team that I managed for this project and the hard work they put in. 

Now, I'm ready to embark on my next journey at Logitech, going back to work for my original boss in the Logitech Alert team. I'm really excited about my first project with the team - a nursery monitor camera!

Which brings me to my next update....we are expecting another happy heart to join our family next year! I know, I know, there were several bloggings in the past about how our baby days were over, but life is sometimes a little unpredictable and God has plans for us that we can't foresee. Just as sure as I was that Lance would never change his mind, a last attempt at closure for me, turned things in 180 degrees! A month later, we were pregnant! Baby #3 is due April 21st, 2011 and we are thrilled!

Morgan and Bennett are both very excited to have another sibling. Morgan is hoping for another baby brother and Bennett is hoping for a baby sister (to oppose his older sister's wishes, of course). Morgan is doing great in 2nd grade this year. She has the same teacher as she did last year since they loop 1st and 2nd. She's really taken to math this year, which is exciting to see and she while she is continuing ballet and girl scouts (Brownies this year!), she is really enamored with soccer right now. She started playing midfield and scored a few goals and now she's hooked. She'll even be playing indoor soccer in a few short weeks! She's getting "too old" for a lot of things right now (Barbies, dolls, anything "babyish") and is really starting to create her own little friendships. It's very fun to watch. She's the cutest toothless little girl and while she has her good days and her bad days, I'm really proud to be her mom!

Bennett started preschool in the fall and is loving every moment of it. He's such a bright child, already way ahead of the class, knowing all his letters and how most of them sound. He's even started to put together sounds to sound out words, which is the beginning of reading. At the ripe old age of 3. Bennett is a comedian, as always, and really keeps us on our toes with his own brand of comedy. He did a session of rock climbing classes that he really enjoyed and has also taken soccer lessons. He was a natural at dribbling the ball and loves to kick the ball and run out on the field!

Lance went back to work in June for a web design firm in Berkeley. He's really enjoying the fast paced nature of the small business and is happy to be back to work. The commute can be rough, so it's nice that he is able to work from home a couple of days a week.

In the midst of changing jobs and being pregnant, we are also looking at a potential move, into a bigger, newer home. With lots of changes on the horizon, 2011 is stacking up to be really exciting!

One hour in the morning

The day starts as the alarm clock goes off. I peek through heavy eyelids and see the time is 6:30. A sleep in morning. I get up and get in the shower and then as I'm drying off, I can hear the life that has started percolating downstairs. Someone is talking a little too loudly, coffee is grinding, life is carrying on. After I'm ready, I go downstairs and greet my family as they themselves get ready for the day. Morgan is in tears for some reason and Bennett is slurping milk out of a bowl that is dangerously close to the edge of the table. I start gathering breakfast for myself, but it isn't long before I find myself needing to resolve the issue that is heating up between Lance and Morgan.

"Daddy won't let me eat breakfast", she wails as she tries to find her socks and shoes. I try to hide my amusement, at the thought that her father is actually withholding a meal from her. I give her some nudging to get her socks and shoes on, which is met with more tears and "but I don't know where they aaaaaaaarrrrrrreeeeee!" I give her some general locations to check and then go back to the kitchen to see about some coffee. Lance is in there, working on breakfast himself and I ask him why on earth he would not allow our daughter to eat breakfast (in a joking manner, of course). He informs me that, as expected, that wasn't exactly what happened. There had been some issue with the remaining cereal and her not wanting it and throwing a fit. He'd asked her to go finish getting ready for school before breakfast. After she was ready, she could eat.

About then, the timer that Lance had set for Bennett goes off, signaling it was time for him to go sit on the potty. I go over to the table and help him down and then follow him to make sure he's doing what he's supposed to do. He pulls down his pants and Big Boy Diego underwear, all the time eyeing the jar of peanut M&Ms on the counter top in the bathroom. He sits for a minute or so before I hear the "da da da DA!" jingle the potty seat makes when something crosses the sensor's plane. He smiles at me and announces "I went potty!!" I give him my most enthusiastic high five, watch while he pulls up his pants and underwear, empties the potty tray into the toilet and flushes it, "bye bye pee pee!" and then squirt him with some foaming hand cleanser. We go back to the table where he is supposed to finish up his cereal because he's going to need to sit on the potty in another 15 minutes and at that time, he's going to need to be getting dressed. Morgan has a performance at school right after drop off.

Morgan has finally located her shoes, but is still sobbing uncontrollably. Focus. Get your hair brush, put a headband in and put your sweatshirt on. After she's completely dressed, Lance has her fix the homework she'd finished the night before, but upon checking had not done correctly. This practically sends her over the top. I know Lance is trying to prove a point to her about wasting time (arguing over cereal), so we try to ignore the drama and just keep emphasizing that she can eat as soon as she is completely ready for school. You might think this would make her move faster, but it actually has the opposite affect since she's not getting what she wants and feels compelled to lament over it.

I'm stand in the kitchen and throw down a quick bowl of raisin bran, put together a thermos of coffee and a Coke Zero to take to work. Secretly, I'm praising God for the fact that we have a team lunch today and I need not worry about packing a lunch. T minus five minutes to leave for the train.

Lance needs to get dressed, Morgan needs to eat, Bennett is finishing breakfast while waiting for the timer to go off again. Everything is in motion, full chaos.

I gather my laptop and glasses, phone and charger since I failed to plug it in last night and once everything is together, I start the process of saying goodbye. Having finished his breakfast, Bennett runs over and grabs my leg and says "Kiss and Hug, Momma!". I bend down and give him a kiss and a quick squeeze. T minus NOTHING to leave for the train. Morgan starts sobbing again, "what about me??!!"She comes running to the door where I take her face in my hand and tell her to have a good day, give her a kiss and a quick squeeze and then I'm out the door.

Ice on the windshield, defroster not working fast enough. Train is coming. Friday traffic sucks. I race to the train station and make it just in time.

All of this in one short hour. And I admit, sometimes I'm breathing a sigh of relief as I walk out that door. A sigh that I'm glad it's not me that has to have the battle of getting in the car and how quickly they are moving and who has their shoes on. A breath of relief that I get to get on a train and open a book and read for 30 minutes. But other times, such as today, I feel badly for the task that my husband has at hand. Potty training, homework, lessons, tardiness. It's a lot. I know FIRST HAND that it's a lot. I wish I could stay and help. Wish I could stay and watch the performance. Such mixed feelings....glad I have a book to escape into!

May 25th? Really??

Wow. It's been over six months since I've blogged. In that six months, my life has been turned upside down. At first I got behind on blogging with the business that warm weather brings. Spring break, then summer fun like day trips and fun outings. So many pictures should have been posted. So many little anecdotes to document the memories for my children. But, alas, time was spent with the children and left little time to blog about it.

Here I am, six months later and wondering how to even delve back into this world that I loved so. The perfectionist in me wants to go back and account for each of the last 189 days. That would make it right. Complete. However, my world now is not a world of perfection. I've reentered the world of incomplete and imperfection. A world where I will never be able to do everything I want and where I spend the majority of my waking time worrying about things that are left forgotten or ways that I didn't stack up today. Welcome back to the world of a working mom.

Just to catch you up, things were tough for a while with Lance's job. He had taken a 20% pay cut right before Christmas last year. That's when he started looking for a new job. We felt extremely lucky and blessed that he found something rather quickly and was able to easily transition into a new job at a higher pay rate. How fortunate for us. Except the down side to this was that he was now working for a tyrant of a woman and the hours were brutal. He was frequently gone before the kids woke up in the mornings and not home until they were in bed. That was hard. But, the hardest part came when in July, the company suddenly decided they needed to cut back drastically (letting go of 6 people of their 25 people team) and since Lance was the newest hire, he was let go. Unexpectedly and without warning. One minute we were having a great summer trip with my family, visiting with my grandparents in Oregon and plotting our 10 year anniversary getaway upon return to the bay area and the next minute we were trying to piece our lives back together.

A month or so went by without any good options. This economy was certainly taking it's toll. The interview process was brutal on Lance. He had tons of phone screens and some in person interviews, but they never really seemed to pan out. They always wanted someone who could fill more than one role....you know, since things were tight. So many friends were in the same boat and not that many employers hiring. We were hearing that it was taking people 6 months to a year to find a job. So toward the end of July/beginning of August, I asked Lance if I should start putting the feelers out there and he agreed it would be a good idea.

I started looking around and saw a packaging project management position at Logitech. It was a super simple job that I could do in my sleep. Perfect, I thought. I remembered that I knew people at Logitech and so I emailed my friend and former coworker, Stan, to let him know I was applying for this position. He emailed me back and said he would be glad to recommend me for that position. I didn't think much of it and continued my half-hearted search. About a week later, I got a message from Stan telling me not to get my hopes up, but that a new position had just become available and he thought, based on my resume, I'd be a good fit for. He told me he'd submitted me for that position. He told me a little bit about the position - it was a position managing software programs from a group that was a recently acquired company. They needed someone to help bring them into the fold of the existing Logitech processes. Given my background with program management, software, and process implementation, it was obvious to me also that this position was perfectly suited for me. Was it that easy job managing the packaging of the product? Nope. Would it be challenging? Yes. But, when have I ever been someone to shy away from a challenge?

Things progressed from there. I had a quick phone screen and then was brought in for a round of in-person interviews. I prepped the night before like it was a final exam. I ran through scenarios with Lance and tried to revive this business brain of mine after a year and a half at home. The interviews went really well. I met with five people and felt like I hit it off with all of them but one. Now I had to wait to hear back for who they were calling back for second rounds. It took about a week or so. Just long enough for my confidence to start plummeting. I had gotten one of those silly emails forwarded to me. You know the ones. Forward this to 11 friends and you will hear news you've been waiting to hear at a certain time. The timing was about right for the news I was expecting, so I went ahead and did it. Right on cue, my phone rang with news that I was being called back for a second round. Time to cram for my next final! The day came and I met with three high level people plus my potential boss. I thought it went well, again. I asked my potential boss what the next steps would be. He told me that if I was selected, he would be contacting me, probably in a week. I asked about what would happen if I wasn't selected and he told me that I would probably still be contacted, but by HR. Now it was time to wait. Luckily this time it was a little less painful, as they had narrowed it down to me and one other person. Within a week, the offer came in.

I remember being completely shocked because the call came from HR. I knew when I heard the recruiters voice that I was passed over. Imagine my surprise when said, "Logitech would like to extend an offer to you". Wow! She gave me the details and it was good. Really good. It was the kind of good that makes up your mind for you. Great company, great benefits, excellent pay, a signing bonus, all that. Meanwhile, in a city far away (but not that far away), Lance was back for a second meeting with a company who had asked HIM to make THEM an offer. What would it take to get him to work there. This was a somewhat promising start up company of ten people. TEN. Obviously, not as stable as a 7,000 employee company such as Logitech. So, when I called Lance with the details of the offer, we both agreed that there was no way I could turn this down. I did the requisite counter offer, which was politely denied, and then accepted the terms as they were and set a start date for a little over two weeks away.

I spent the next two weeks figuring out how this was going to work. Lance and I agreed that he would, at least for a while, give it a go at being a stay at home dad. One less thing for me to worry about as I ventured back into the work force. For those two weeks, I savored every hug and kiss. Every moment I got to spend with my kids, tucking them in for naps or bed, reading them stories and playing with them. We finished up our summer outings and then Morgan started first grade. I took advantage of my newly limited time at home and spent as much time as I could at the school and helping in the class. First grade is so different, but I only had a week to absorb that before it was time for my "first day of school".

I started my new job on September 8th. I will go into the job a little more in future posts, but to sum it up: it is the perfect job for me, as it is really challenging. I am really enjoying some of the people I work with and really NOT enjoying some others. I miss my husband (we had A LOT of togetherness during our forced family summer break) . I miss my kids. I miss my friends. I miss the life that I had longed for for so long and had so briefly.

My current mantra? There is a season for everything.

A good way to end the week

After the terrible days I've been having with my strong-willed two year old, I up and decided it was the perfect time to go on a date with my husband. I called up my niece and got her to come babysit and made sure Lance would be home from work in plenty of time. I got showered and prettied up and then we went to dinner at Demetri's, where I had one too many glasses of wine for dinner! :) After that, we took in a movie at the local movie theater, seeing Angels and Demons. The movie was long and slow, but it was good to be away together. It gave us something to talk about since the movie was not nearly as good as it should have been, both of us having read the book. Plus, walking around downtown is fun!

It always makes me feel better to go out on the town with my hubby. It makes me remember why we are together and that we have connections that go beyond just raising a family. It's like a momentary slide back into life before kids. You can almost taste the carefree nature you had back then!

The thought is what counts!

My wish for today was nothing more than to be able to lounge around in bed all day. Here's what I had imagined.

Sleeping in.
Breakfast in bed.
Snuggling with children.
Sending children away to commence hours upon ours of alternating between blogging, reading and watching trash TV.
Staying in my pajamas all day.
Seeing sweet faces give me cards.
Not having to lift a single finger to do a single thing.
Facebooking in bed.
Not having to plan, cook or clean up any meals.
Did I mention the staying in bed all day part?



Here's what I got:
Slept in a little
Breakfast in bed.
Snuggles with children.
Sent children away and commenced short bursts of blogging, reading, and watching TV.
Stayed in my pajamas most of the day.
Sweet faces gave me cards.
Ended up helping with kids because they were a real handful.
Facebooking in bed.
Didn't plan, cook, or clean up any meals.
Didn't stay in bed all day....it's too stressful to hear your husband losing his patience with children acting like banshees.
Oh, and I got some lovely flowers on Friday!

Happy Mothers Day!

Overcoming fear

All of us have fears. Some rational, some not so rational. Some founded, some not founded. Fears like spiders, or lightening storms, or maybe earthquakes. Or gas grills. Yes, you read that correctly. Laugh, if you will, but there *is* a story to go along with it.

The year was 1996. I think. Or maybe 1997. Hell, I'm too old to remember the year, but it's fairly inconsequential anyway. The setting was my apartment, shared with four other people. Yes, four. This was California. I was poor, having just moved out from Auburn. We were having one of our infamous parties, where there was far too much cider and beer consumed. I went out to light the grill so that we could get the ribs going. I lifted the grill cover and checked inside. I pressed the button that said IGNITE and then turned the knobs that said gas. I closed the cover and went back inside to finish preparing for the party. I made some wraps and had just grabbed one, to taste the efforts of my labor, as I headed out to the patio to check on the grill.

Hmm. Something was wrong, I didn't hear the flames. With one hand, I opened the lid and I leaned over the grates to see what was going on. When I didn't see any flames, I shoved the wrap in my mouth and with my other hand, pressed the IGNITE button again. It all happened very quickly. The clicking of the ignition, the poof of the gas as a bubble of gas flamed out of the grill and right at me. All I knew was that I had obviously burned my face off. I ran inside screaming, while trying to quickly chew and swallow the wrap that was in my mouth. Lance came running over to me asking what was wrong. I was screaming "I BURNED MY FACE!!", but all he heard was "MA MUU MA MAAAA" since I was still mouthing the wrap. When he stopped panicking and looked at me, checking out my face for the first time, his eyes stopped at mine. He said, "What happened to you??" Oh dear Lord!!

I ran to the bathroom, still trying to swallow this wrap that had somehow expanded to twice it's size. I hesitated for a moment, bracing for what I was sure was going to be second or third degree burns, all pink and bloody. When I looked, I didn't see much. I got closer to the mirror and realized that my eyelashes and eyebrows had been completely singed. Finally, swallowing the wrap, I was able to relay to Lance what had happened. He told me how lucky I was, because basically I had set myself up for that gas bomb by turning the gas on and leaving the lid closed. It was at that point that I realized that the grill was a man's territory and that I now had a healthy fear of it.

Fast forward to today. Today was my first day, conquering my fear of the gas grill. I've been observing it's use for over ten years now. Watching from a distance. I've asked question after question about the hows and whys of what you do with the grill. I've never before even attempted to light a grill, however, since The Great Eyelash Singe of '96 (or '97). But the other day, with Lance's new grill, I had him walk me through the process. The dos and the don'ts. Really, it's pretty simple if you understand basic CHEMISTRY and PHYSICS. So, tonight, I went out and faced my fears. I marinated some pork chops and when the time came, I took a deep breath, stood back and lit the grill. Victory is mine! Watch out world. The grill is a whole new genre for me to play with!! :)

Busy bees!

Today was a full but fun day! It started with my mom and I going to the gym and then Lance and my dad taking Morgan to Lowe's to build bird houses with their Build and Grow program. They all had a great time and while they were gone, my mom and I got ready to take Morgan shopping when she got back. I figured she was old enough to hang with us on a girls outing to lunch and shop!

We let her pick the lunching destination (Chili's, of course) and then after, we headed to Kohl's because I had gotten a 20% off coupon in the mail. Plus they had Early Bird specials that ended at 1. Here's what we learned.

1. While Morgan may be big enough for a casual shopping trip, she is not old enough to hang with the "oh my gosh, the sale ends in 20 minutes and we need her to try on all these clothes" mentality.
2. My mom and I make a great team when it comes to undressing and dressing Morgan in upwards of a dozen outfits in record time!
3. All the shirts they make these days are too tight.
4. It was completely worth it to rush through the shopping to get the 20% off!!

After shopping, we came home and I collapsed and then later, got ready for my second date with my hubby in as many days. We were going to go play bocce ball, but after last night's dinner and movie (expensive sushi & Sunshine Cleaners), we opted for something less expensive. Dinner at Tomatinos and another movie (Knowing)! Given the heavy topic last night, we kept it light and only discussed things like religion. ;-) But it was great to be able to have an uninterrupted, meaningful conversation with my husband. It was also quite ironic that we went and saw Knowing right after our conversation, because it was similar in topic.

It seems like I say it all the time and never do anything about it, but we really need to start doing regular date nights. I miss them!!

"This is it": The end of an era

When my parents planned their trip out to see us for Bennett's birthday and Easter, my mom made sure to let me know in advance to plan to have some date nights while they were here to babysit. This meant I had plenty of time to think about the date and what we might do and even to think about the things we would talk about. Because uninterrupted face-to-face time to talk without TV's or computers is pretty rare in my house. At the same time, my baby fever has been reaching a feverish pitch and so it was inevitable that our discussion at our first date night would center around that topic.

Never one to beat around the bush, I told Lance that I thought we needed to discuss it and that I understood if he wanted time to think about it (after all, I'd had over a month to think about what I wanted to say), but that we happened to have some uninterrupted time to discuss if he was ready. He agreed to discuss the topic of us having more kids and so it went.

The main thing I wanted to get across was that I knew that he wasn't leaning towards having more and that I definitely feel like I'm not done. That doesn't mean that I'm going to be having more kids, it just means that I need a certain amount of time to "get over it", if we decide we are done. When I married Lance, I knew he wanted two kids and he knew that I wanted three or four. And here we sit, with two happy, healthy children. One boy and one girl. Him feeling like we are so lucky to have the two we have and that it is plenty. Me agreeing that we are, in fact, extremely lucky and wanting to have more. In this situation, one person is not going to get their way. I have always somewhat mentally prepared myself to be the loser in this debate, as I would never dictate to him that we have to have more kids. I guess I was just hoping that this was another "house purchase in 2000", or "car purchase in 2002" or "first baby in 2003" types of discussions where all he needed was a gentle nudge to be shifted into the next thing. Except this is different. He doesn't feel the need to have more children. It's not a matter of when, it's a matter of need. And while I understand, because I don't feel it's a matter of need, it is a matter of desire to me. I was hoping his not feeling the need was different than his feeling the need not to. Make sense?

However mentally prepared I thought I was to be the loser, it didn't shield me from the sting and sadness I felt, immediately, when I thought about not having any more children. Thinking that the things that have already passed with Bennett are things that I will never experience again. There was a point, when Bennett was tiny and a terror (now he's a big terror), that I was positive that I would never want to do this again and I got rid of all my baby stuff. But then, he changed and things changed and I felt myself easing back into that idea of more kids. The older he gets, the more I have felt this way, so much so that I've let go of the mental awareness that comes with knowing "this is it". When I stopped nursing him, I mentally made note that it would be the last time. But there was always this voice in my head saying, "really?". Well, I guess I know the answer now. It was the last time.

I'm sad for the times I'll never have again. I'm sad for the times that I let go without saying goodbye. I'm sad for the times that I'm having now, in each moment that I think "this is it" and my heart breaks a little. I'm sad for the times in the future that we have yet to get to, that I will have to say "this is it" as I soak it in. I'm sad for the relationships that could have been. The brothers or sisters to be. I'm just sad.

I know that I'll be okay with all this eventually. I'm already trying to find the silver linings. As Bennett gets older, our world opens up to more possibilities -- the ones we were just beginning to taste as Morgan got older before Bennett was born. I look forward to not having to buy diapers or cut up food, or try to understand toddler-ese anymore. Or at least I think I will. Right now, I just feel like I could do it forever, just to experience MORE of this. This family I have. These kids I have. The relationships. More.

Oh well, farewell to the era of little babies. Hello to what comes next.

All together now....awwww!

Tonight was the My Guy and I dance for Girl Scouts. The idea here is that the Dads all get together with their girls and go have fun dancing the night away. It started at 7, so I had to have Morgan ready when Lance came to get her after work. She was so excited, she could hardly stand it! She told me that she could just picture what it was going to be like. She said she pictured it would be like a wedding. Pretty soon, it was getting to be dinner time, so I set Bennett up with some food and helped Morgan get dressed for her big "date". Lance showed up, right on time, with a white rose for his girl. This just sent her over the top! She was sooo cute! I got some pictures before the cute couple headed out to their night full of pizza, chicken dancing, and congo lines. :) Too cute!

When they got home, she was talking a mile a minute about all the fun stuff they did and saw. She even managed to get Daddy out on the dance floor a few times. You go girl!!

Putting it back together

Ever get that feeling that your child takes everything for granted? Ever think to yourself that maybe they've become too spoiled? I have the solution for you! Seal off their room for approximately FIVE WEEKS (gosh has it been that long??) so that they don't have access to their normal toys, clothes, or even books for a while. After the five weeks is over, clean up their room, put things back in order and let them in. You will be amazed by their pure joy as they reenter the room that once held things that were "boring" or didn't have enough room for their stuff. Gasps of pleasure. Words like "wow" and "I love it" came out of her small mouth as she walked around her room as if for the first time. She would open a drawer she hasn't seen in over a month and say something like "oh here's that horse, I love that little guy". She was so excited to actually put the things that she's had in the guest room upstairs back where they belong. Funny how that works.

It's been a LONG five weeks. I mean, it's hard for a man who works long days (gone approximately 12 hours a day during the week) and has busy weekends to get projects like this done, but my husband has managed to patch the ceiling in Morgan's room where there was a leak from upstairs, scrape the popcorn ceiling, run a ceiling light, and texture and paint the ceiling. It's all done now, thank goodness. When he tore down the patch the first time, I was starting to get worried. He and I both discussed, with amusement, Morgan's diagrams of the work. She took a lot of time to draw each step of the process. First picture was of her room with the water stain on the ceiling. Next picture was of the ceiling with the hole. Next picture was of the ceiling with the patch. Next picture was of the ceiling with a hole. At the time, she still had another picture to do. You got it, one with another patch. Once she got them done, she taped them together and taped them on the outside of her door. According to her, it was to warn people about what they might encounter in the room. She also asked me to write the following on a post-it note, which we also taped to the outside of her bedroom door.

"Under Construction. Please do not enter."

Lance wasn't quite sure what to make of all of this, but it certainly didn't inspire confidence in him when it was time to go repatch. But, he was able to get it done to his liking the second time and then after a few false starts, was able to get the ceiling sanded, primed, and textured.

Today was the day of finishing touches. The light was installed, the walls were wiped down and paint touched up. The floor was mopped and remopped. Furniture was put back into place and pictures and stuff re-hung. Today was moving in day. And it felt so good. Not just for her, but also for me. I now have access to the 5 cubby hanger in her closet, that I use to divvy out her clothes for the week every Sunday. I'm able to put her crayons, markers, and folders back on her desk. The books she's had access to that have been strewn about the house for over a month now have found their home again.

I feel as though a part of my life that has been living in chaos is now straight again. It feels great! Long live finished projects!

Grace in small things

Another wonderful day. Here's my list of five things I'm grateful for today.

1. My tennis club membership. It's such a luxury (especially in this economic climate), but it really does help me retain my sanity. I can go there, drop off the kids and get lost in my music and exercise for a good hour or so. Then, I can take my time and shower, shave my legs, hang out in the sauna, dry my hair, do my makeup and basically make myself feel like a woman. I love the feeling I have every day when I leave there. For that, I will overlook the ludicrous amount it costs to go there to exercise.

2. A wonderful library program. I've been trying to take Bennett to story time at the library once a week since Christmas. Except for illness, he's been to them all and he LOVES them. He asks me to sing songs from them, he talks about stories that were read to him there, and he loves checking out his very own books to bring home. And I love that our playgroup met there today. :)

3. Daisies. When you look for options for extracurricular activities for your child, there's always a sport to be played or dance lessons to be taken. Luckily for us, my good friend Kristin wanted to start a Daisy troop (first level of girl scouts) at Morgan's school. Where sports can teach things like teamwork and sportsmanship, Daisies teaches things like character. I believe it's particularly important as these girls are now exposed to so many different things and people since they are now school aged. The girls will be together as a troop for a good long while, and it makes me happy to know that they will have all been taught things like how to treat friends, taking care of the earth and how to defend yourself against a stranger. I'm so happy to have such an activity for Morgan.

4. I'm so thankful that my friend Kristin agrees to keep Morgan with her between Morgan's reading group and Daisies. She does this even when she's got so much work to do to set up for Daisies and she does it when she knows that I can't be there to help. Ever since Lance got his new job, he hasn't been able to work from home (which was the original plan since Daisy meetings are every other Wednesday) and subsequently be there to "watch" Bennett during his nap. So, instead of me having to go pick Morgan up after reading group (at 1:10) and then have her back in time for Daisies at 2pm and then picking her back up at 3, I'm able to be at home with Bennett while he naps. Don't underestimate how important a nap is to an almost-two-year-old!

5. I'm thankful for a husband who understand that even though my obligations may not drive income, they are still important and he will go out of his way to come home so I can be where I need to be on time. I know this seems like a simple thing, but you'd be amazed at how many women have problems with this! Of course, I would never be married to those men anyway, but I still have to give props to my husband.

Baby fever

I could have also named this entry "the one my husband doesn't want to hear", but you know what? It's MY blog, right? Maybe as a courtesy, I could put something in the title like "honey, just pass this one over". But, maybe that's pretty much the same as the title I picked, no?

Today I spent time planning a baby shower for Melissa. I am so excited about throwing her this shower, as I have actually gotten very few opportunities to throw baby showers and hardly ever for such a great friend. I let my creative juices flow and settled on a "theme" that really suits Melissa to a T. I cannot wait! While perusing websites for shower invitations, it's hard to not also get sucked into looking at those baby announcements. Cute toes. Crazy hair, or no hair. Time, date, weight, length. Happiness. Baby sighs. Baby breathe. Ohhhhhh - baby smells! See, it's hard not to do that to yourself.

Are all women this way? As soon as your baby is not so much a baby any more, you start reminiscing about the good ole days of no sleep, little lumps of baby goodness and tiny fingers and toes. I wonder, when you're on your fourth or fifth, or FOURTEENTH kid, does it go away? I've been praying for this very thing. Either to have it go away and to know that my family is complete as it is, or to have some clear indication that another child is just what we need. Now, my husband will tell you straight out that we have a girl and a boy and we are done. But me? Not so sure. Granted, we'd need to be on the same page, so maybe since he's done, by default I am? Except what if it doesn't feel right?

Then, today I get an email from my friend Tara, who's older daughter is in Bennett's playgroup. She just had her second child, another little girl. And she's got that newborn goodness dripping from the pictures. I mean, seriously. Do I have a problem? Is there a support group for women like me? Or am I completely normal? How do you know you are done? I asked my mom this question and her answer was so easy. She always wanted two. My dad always wanted two. They had a boy and a girl. They were done. But see, me? I've always dreamed of a bigger family. Maybe it's because I always wanted to have more, and/or closer siblings. I just think the relationship that you have in a family is such an amazing thing and why wouldn't you want to have MORE of that?

I have friends tell me that I need to have another. I've been told things like "two are too neat" and "if anyone should have more it's you" and those statements echo through my head and my heart whenever I start thinking about this.

The thing is, I can see myself with at least one more kid. I can picture it. I know what I would do. I know the things we'd have to change and the logistics of it. I know how it would work. And even though when I was going through everything with Bennett's pregnancy and babyhood, I prepared myself for it to be the last (knowing how my husband felt), that doesn't mean that it "sits" right.

For now, I'm going to enjoy seeing, hearing and smelling the babies that are entering the world now. Tara just had hers, Melissa is due in May. Maybe by then I'll have gotten my answer. Maybe by then, I'll feel at peace with it, whatever it is.

Trophy wife

Why would you give this trophy to a 35 year old man? What the hell are we supposed to do with this??


Lance won the trophy last night for coming in SECOND place at the go karting outing they had at work. Apparently, FIRST place was even BIGGER. I feel sorry for that wife.

The funniest thing is, this morning, gazing at the symbol of glory that is now gracing our kitchen counter top, my husband tells me that his arms and neck are a little sore. Ha!

But, mostly what I want to know, does this make me a trophy wife? No? Sadly, I guess that means we won't be able to keep it then. Shucks.

Blessed with friends

A little less than a year ago, I was mourning the loss of a close friendship and hoping and praying for some friendships to develop that would fill that void. I can honestly say that my prayers were answered over and over again. Today is the perfect example of that.

I went to church this morning with my friend Kristin and it was an emotional service. It hit me how we had been placed in each other's lives at the time that we were in the way that we were for a reason. It's so funny to me to look at things in hindsight and see how the puzzle pieces fit together. I have felt very alone in my faith for a long time. Not many of my friends are "active" Christians, including my husband. When I first started going to my new church, about this time last year, I told Lance that I really wanted him to join me on this walk. He agreed that he would participate and go to church, but the fact is that he just doesn't. Pretty much on any given Sunday, if you ask him if he'd like to go to church, there's always something else he'd rather do. I knew this about him when I married him, but I also know that if I push him, it's not going to help. I just keep praying that he'll join me and maybe one of these days I'll be surprised. Then, last summer, shortly after my falling out with my former friend, I met Kristin at the pre-Kindergarten play dates. She and I hit it off immediately and we even spent the weekend before school started cleaning up the Kindergarten playground together. That's when I learned that her walk with God was very similar to mine. She was raised in a more traditional type of church (Catholic) as was I (Presbyterian). We were taught all about God and Jesus, but in a more ritualistic manner than what we were experiencing at our new churches. We talked about our husbands and how hers had recently started becoming active in the church and it gave me hope. These deep conversations really helped solidify in my mind that she was a friend that was brought into my life at a certain time and in a certain way.

As I'm on my way home from church today, I was thinking about my friend Melissa and her family. I'm currently planning a baby shower for her impending #2, who's arrival is expected in late May. I'm so excited to plan this for her because I've really gotten to know what a special person she is over the past year. I'm so excited for the changes she is going to experience. She's having a little boy, so we'll have even more in common. She's such a great friend. She's been there for me to vent to, to cry on her shoulder, and to discuss life in general. She's a terrific mom and a terrific friend. Her daughter is in Bennett's playgroup and we've just really bonded over pacifiers, tantrums, and shopping! :) She's a very real person, not putting up a fake exterior. When I was struggling with losing my friendship last year, she really reached out to me to let me know that I wasn't alone and that she was there. That meant so much to me. She's a "go to" person in a time of need and also when you just want to relax and have a good time.

As I was pulling onto my street, my phone rang and it was her. Wanting to know if we had any plans that night because she thought it would be good to get the kids together to play (they have both been essentially quarantined for weeks!) and to have some dinner. It was one of those casual invitations that's just delightful! We were not required to bring a thing but ourselves and when we got there, the kids played nicely together while the adults got to hang out and talk. We stayed WAAAAYY past the kids' bedtimes, but that's okay. Everyone was having fun! It's so nice to have friends that you can just hang out with at a moment's notice. It's even nicer when our husbands like to hang out and have things in common. I love that!



I'll say that my prayers have been answered overwhelmingly. Not just with these two wonderful ladies, but with so many others that have either been in my life for a while and I've gotten closer to, or by new friends that have been brought into my life. I feel so blessed.

A very ordinarily magical Valentine's Day

There were no plans to go out to a fancy dinner. No going to see a jazz band or taking in the latest movie. Nope, we opted to stay in for Valentines today and it was perfect!

The day started with some heart shaped pancakes my hubby made for me. That's right. For ME. The kids had already asked for cereal and didn't have the patience to wait for pancakes, so we fed them breakfast first and then Lance and I sat down to some heart shaped pancakes.


I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but the second picture has Kiss Me written in syrup. You saw that, right?

The kids opened presents from us and from my parents and were ecstatic with what they got. Bennett got an Elmo Loves You video from my parents and a Find and Fit puzzle book set from us. Morgan got the movie E.T. from my parents and Barbie paper dolls from us.


After presents, it was time for Morgan and Lance to head off to Lowe's for the Kids' Workshop where they were building jewelry boxes. Morgan came back really excited. She got to keep an apron and even got a patch for building the jewelry box. I think this is something we'll be doing more of in the future. Especially since it's totally free! When they came back, they also had a little something special for me. :)


Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, here's the card that they made for me. All three of them. :)

Lance, Morgan, Bennett


And here is the "smelly heart" that Morgan made for Lance and I at school. They took scented candle shavings and melted them between wax paper and cut them into hearts.


After lunch, the kids went down for naps and Lance and I got busy. No, not that kind of busy. He went to work in Morgan's room, scraping the ceilings. We had a plumbing issue that required us to cut a hole in the ceiling of her room to diagnose properly and now that it's time to repair it, we've decided to scrape down the popcorn from her ceiling. Here's my little honey bunny on Valentine's Day this year.

Doesn't he look cute?? Yeah, in that freaky oompa loompa way. ;-)

While he was busy working up a sweat in Morgan's room, I was busy in the kitchen baking him some special treats. I made him Russian tea cakes (his favorite) and also baked some brownies for our dessert later that night. I also started to prep for the romantic dinner we had planned for when the kids went to bed.

Later, Lance got the kids fed (leftover heart pancakes, nonetheless) while I got showered and prepared dinner. I made Cornish game hens with rice, toasty garlic bread (the bread I made from scratch!) and Caesar salad. We ate on our fine china and silver at the dining room table, complete with candle light, wine, and some Coldplay. I even used the dimmer on our dining room light fixture, so it was extra romantic over the candle light. We actually got to talk and not have to worry about disciplining children or who's throwing what food. It was really nice! We should do it more often!

After dinner, we loaded up Made of Honor in the DVD and watched this romantic comedy together. Half way through, we stopped and got the brownies from the oven and put some ice cream on top and enjoyed our chocolaty gooey goodness. Mmmmm.

No grand gestures, no elaborate plans. Just us, together, enjoying each other's company. What a perfect Valentine's Day.

Dread

I'm still recovering from the lack of food and the horror that shook through my body yesterday and at the same time, trying to mentally prepare for Lance's first day of his new job. What will tomorrow bring? The past two weeks have been absolutely amazing. At first, I wanted to plan a getaway with the kids, but we were just too busy and sick and it just didn't work out. But I think that was for the best, because we all got a little break and got to hang out together at home during these two weeks that he's been off. He got a chance to really be there for those little daily things that you miss out on when you're at work. The kids got so used to him being there, they practically spat on me when I tried to do something for them. They are going to be heartbroken when Daddy has to go back to work. I'm not even going to mention how much easier it was, logistically, to have another set of hands. Not having to wrangle Bennett and school drop off and pick up. Having someone to watch him while we did Daisies and homework. Then, there's the boy. Bennett has been particularly nasty lately. Not sleeping. Sick and cranky. Pair this with his disappointment with it being ME tomorrow, and I'm sure to be in for a doozy of a day. Mostly, though, I'm going to miss having him around. We'll go back to the rushed kisses and goodbyes in the morning and the frantic evening routine of dinner, baths and bed.

It's nice to spend that much time with your spouse and realize again why you married them. My husband is the bomb. Cooking, straightening, shopping, hanging with the kids, taking care of me. He does it all. I'm such a lucky woman!

Spoiled, spoiled, spoiled

I think I just might throw the world's biggest tantrum when Lance goes back to work. I've been getting WAY too spoiled over here. Yesterday, he got the kids up and to school on time while I slept-in and woke up to an empty house. What a treat! Then today, he watched Bennett while I worked in Morgan's classroom and then packed up a lunch for us and met us at the park after school. After we all ate the Daddy-packed-lunch (full bags of chips and foot longs from Subway :) !), I was able to sit on the bench at the park and chit chat with my friend Kristin while the Dads chased the kids around the playground. How nice!! And Morgan and Bennett are just loving all the special attention they are getting from Daddy.

After school, we all came home and when the kids went down for their naps, I was able to get a good long nap in. When I woke up, instead of having to get up and get dinner going, Lance grilled pork chops, made mashed potatoes and green beans. So, I got a glass of wine and relaxed even more by getting one of Morgan's puzzles out and starting the sorting process. Before I knew it, dinner was cooked! After dinner, we got Bennett in bed and then we were both able to work on Morgan's Valentine's Day "mailbox" with her. I'm taking full advantage of having Daddy here to get all the work done that we need to get done over the next few weeks. It makes it so much easier when there's an extra set of hands around.

I know, it's not going to last for long. But I sure am going to savor every moment of it. I know how hard it's going to be when he goes back to work, especially with the long hours that they warned him about.

Again, why can't we be independently wealthy??

Things made easier today

Since Lance has some time off before he starts his new job, things have been a bit easier. Here's the list from just today.

1. He took Morgan to school today. She was SO excited that Daddy was able to drop her off at school today. And I think he was a little excited that he was able to do it.

2. Since he was here, I was able to take Bennett to Little Star Cafe and didn't have to rush home to pick Morgan up from school. AND he fed her. AND cleaned up after. He's a gem, I tell ya!

3. When we got home, I was not feeling well, so I was able to attend to my own needs while someone else put the kids down for their naps.

4. I was able to lay on the couch with a heating pad without worrying about the time or when the kids would be up.

5. I took Morgan to ballet and didn't have to deal with the little shorty who likes to run away from me when I'm yelling STOP!

6. I didn't have to get the kids ready to go out on my own. There was someone else here to repeatedly tell someone to focus and put their socks and shoes on.

7. We were able to go out to dinner, early, and I was able to get to my movie night tonight on time and without our patented Kid Swap.

8. Daddy handled bath time and finishing homework and all the other stuff after I'd left for the movies.

This is all without even mentioning how nice it is to just have him around. Like, to see him interacting with the kids throughout the day. To have him nearby me. I may be getting spoiled. Can't we just become independently wealthy already?