When my parents planned their trip out to see us for Bennett's birthday and Easter, my mom made sure to let me know in advance to plan to have some date nights while they were here to babysit. This meant I had plenty of time to think about the date and what we might do and even to think about the things we would talk about. Because uninterrupted face-to-face time to talk without TV's or computers is pretty rare in my house. At the same time, my baby fever has been reaching a feverish pitch and so it was inevitable that our discussion at our first date night would center around that topic.
Never one to beat around the bush, I told Lance that I thought we needed to discuss it and that I understood if he wanted time to think about it (after all, I'd had over a month to think about what I wanted to say), but that we happened to have some uninterrupted time to discuss if he was ready. He agreed to discuss the topic of us having more kids and so it went.
The main thing I wanted to get across was that I knew that he wasn't leaning towards having more and that I definitely feel like I'm not done. That doesn't mean that I'm going to be having more kids, it just means that I need a certain amount of time to "get over it", if we decide we are done. When I married Lance, I knew he wanted two kids and he knew that I wanted three or four. And here we sit, with two happy, healthy children. One boy and one girl. Him feeling like we are so lucky to have the two we have and that it is plenty. Me agreeing that we are, in fact, extremely lucky and wanting to have more. In this situation, one person is not going to get their way. I have always somewhat mentally prepared myself to be the loser in this debate, as I would never dictate to him that we have to have more kids. I guess I was just hoping that this was another "house purchase in 2000", or "car purchase in 2002" or "first baby in 2003" types of discussions where all he needed was a gentle nudge to be shifted into the next thing. Except this is different. He doesn't feel the need to have more children. It's not a matter of when, it's a matter of need. And while I understand, because I don't feel it's a matter of need, it is a matter of desire to me. I was hoping his not feeling the need was different than his feeling the need not to. Make sense?
However mentally prepared I thought I was to be the loser, it didn't shield me from the sting and sadness I felt, immediately, when I thought about not having any more children. Thinking that the things that have already passed with Bennett are things that I will never experience again. There was a point, when Bennett was tiny and a terror (now he's a big terror), that I was positive that I would never want to do this again and I got rid of all my baby stuff. But then, he changed and things changed and I felt myself easing back into that idea of more kids. The older he gets, the more I have felt this way, so much so that I've let go of the mental awareness that comes with knowing "this is it". When I stopped nursing him, I mentally made note that it would be the last time. But there was always this voice in my head saying, "really?". Well, I guess I know the answer now. It was the last time.
I'm sad for the times I'll never have again. I'm sad for the times that I let go without saying goodbye. I'm sad for the times that I'm having now, in each moment that I think "this is it" and my heart breaks a little. I'm sad for the times in the future that we have yet to get to, that I will have to say "this is it" as I soak it in. I'm sad for the relationships that could have been. The brothers or sisters to be. I'm just sad.
I know that I'll be okay with all this eventually. I'm already trying to find the silver linings. As Bennett gets older, our world opens up to more possibilities -- the ones we were just beginning to taste as Morgan got older before Bennett was born. I look forward to not having to buy diapers or cut up food, or try to understand toddler-ese anymore. Or at least I think I will. Right now, I just feel like I could do it forever, just to experience MORE of this. This family I have. These kids I have. The relationships. More.
Oh well, farewell to the era of little babies. Hello to what comes next.
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