The trouble with women

I adore women. Not in a I'm-more-into-them-than-into-men way, but I do believe that women are special. Men are special too, but in a different way. Men are special in that way that makes me want to curl up on the couch, rest my head on their chest kind of way.

I think only women can truly appreciate the complexities of being a woman. We know what it's like to have irrational fears, and therefore can sympathize with our friends when they are feeling something like that. A man? Well, he might just brush it off as "girls". We know the rush of adrenaline that comes from finding the perfect pair of shoes ON SALE and finding out that they do have our size. A man? He wouldn't even be shopping.

There's so much said about the sisterhood that is shared between women. And there's even some said about what happens when things go awry. Words like cat fight or bitch fest might be used. In all honesty, sometimes it feels like that. But most of the time, the feelings we women have regarding relationships goes far beyond that. I truly believe that only a woman really knows what I'm talking about here (can I get an amen?).

Here are the things I have learned about women and friendships.

1. Some women will NEVER understand that you can be friends with more than one person.
2. Some women are "best friends" with no one.
3. Some women are "best friends" to too many.
4. Having more than one "best friend" is a hard thing to do. It's a balancing act that many women have taken on. Some have been successful and some have not.
5. Having kids DOES change things.
6. If your husbands don't get along, then it's not going to work out.
7. If your friend's husband is an asshole, it's not going to work out.
8. You cannot make your friend realize that her husband is an asshole.
9. If your friend's parenting style is in opposition to yours, it's not going to work out.
10. Life changes and friendships change. People come and they go. It's part of life.
11. You can't force a friendship on someone. It either works or it doesn't.
12. Women will get upset/jealous/angry if they find out that a group of women are doing something without them. I've seen this in groups of four year olds as well as groups of fifty year olds.
13. Women will get upset/jealous/angry if someone they know has something (or someone) they want and sometimes that can affect a friendship. I've seen this in everything from possessions to what gender baby someone has.
14. When you find the people you DO click with, the people who's HUSBANDS you click with, the ones who parent in a complimentary style and who's lifestyle is not in direct opposition to yours, these people can be the most solid rock upon which to lay your joys, troubles and fears. These are the women who will come to your aid at your greatest time of need. These people can become like family to you. This depth of a relationship is a wonderful thing to experience, but can be hard for other women. Especially women who don't have that in their life.
    
15. Much like in their relationship with men, sometimes women can misread your relationship. Either they think there's more to it than there is, or they don't think as much of it as you do.

I had a friend who approached me tonight. She wanted to know why things between us had changed. I admit that things *have* changed. I told her so. She wanted to know a reason. There was no reason, other than we just weren't that close. I started to feel badly that I wasn't as emotional about it as she was, but then I took a step back. It was then that I realized that I had never considered her to be as close of a friend as she had considered me to be. We had bonded quickly over fussy babies and breastfeeding, but at the end of the day, besides that what else did we have in common? The babies are now toddlers and there's new stuff to worry about. New stuff to bond over. It just so happens that I'm not as close with her now. Not because of anything specifically. No, that would be way easier. I have bonded more closely with some other women and I don't think I should be ashamed of that.

But here she was, crying to me about wanting to be liked. All that was going through my head is "what does she want me to say?". I felt cold and distant. I mean, I felt bad about how she was feeling. I sure wish she didn't feel that way. But, it was strange to have someone have such strong feelings when I didn't. It felt like I was being cornered.

As it turned out, she seemed to have a lot of issues with someone I am friends with. She was dumping them out to me, looking for me to confirm her feelings. See, this is what a lot of women do. They want to commiserate with each other when they feel they have been wronged. Only, usually it's between two close friends. Certainly not someone who's a friend, but not a really close one, about a friend who *is* one of your close friends. Maybe she was upset that this other person and I are better friends now and this was her way of handling it? Maybe that's what felt so weird to me. It was almost as if she was hoping I'd turn my back on my good friend and turn toward her.

I felt bad for her that she needed me to do that. I felt bad that she wanted me to do that. But not bad enough to do it. Is that bad?

See, this is the trouble with being a woman. If I were a man, not only would we have never had that conversation, but I'd also be sitting here right now thinking about things like beer or computers or maybe even what's going on this weekend. Instead, I'm sitting here fretting over a pseudo friend who is upset because I'm not her best friend and upset with myself for not getting upset about it. That's the trouble with women.