A big girl talk

On Saturday morning, Morgan was playing in the playroom and then she came into the kitchen where I was cooking breakfast and told me that she saw someone drive by our house and take a picture. I asked her about the car and she told me that it looked like a silver minivan. I thought it was strange, but I didn't see anything myself and you never know what an imaginative five year old is going to come up with. Shortly after, we left and headed over to a local festival where I was working the booth for the mothers club and the kids and Lance roamed around, having fun (or at least that was the idea). We dropped Morgan off at a birthday party on the way home and then when we got home and started unpacking the car (with a VERY tired Bennett), we were approached by our next door neighbors. They told us that they had seen someone drive by our house that morning, very slowly, taking pictures. This corroborated what Morgan had told me, so they definitely had my attention. They proceeded to tell me that the SAME CAR (silver minivan) was parked across the street from our houses a couple of weeks ago and had been taking pictures of our house and their house. When they realized what was happening, they started to approach the car and they took off. They described the person as a clean cut white man.

The hair is standing on the back of my neck. My mothering radar is going off. Something isn't right here. I start mulling it over and the more I think about it, the more I'm getting freaked out. The town we live in is one of the top ten safest cities in the U.S., according to Forbes magazine. I guess I wasn't prepared for something like this. And, while it may be nothing, it also might be something. And my gut is telling me that it's just not right. So, I decided to call the police department and make a complaint. They inform me that there's really nothing that they can do unless the car is out there at the time I call. I asked them if they would like to talk to the neighbor to get a description of the car and they said, "sure, you can have them call us". I had also emailed my friend who is an ex-Oakland police officer for her advice. We went back and forth on email, but the bottom line is that there really isn't much they can do unless I get a license plate number or they are out there at the time. She suggested having a code word with Morgan, not keeping the same routine (hard with school aged and active kids!), and just being cognizant in general. I also talked to a friend of ours who happens to work for the police department in our city and he's promised to drive by our house a couple of times a nights on the nights he's working.

I decided to also talk to my neighbors and have them be on the lookout. So, this afternoon after lunch, we go over to Morgan's buddy's house and I'm talking to his Dad about this. She is, of course, all ears. On the way back home, she wants to know why I called the police department. So, I put Bennett down for his nap and spent the next thirty minutes having a "big girl" talk with her.

I explained that we were going to have a code word that only she, me, and Daddy would know. If every anyone needed to pick her up and she wasn't expecting them, they would need to provide her with the code word. We picked our code word, she told me what it was a couple of times and then we role played.

Me: "Hi Morgan. Your mom sent me to pick you up"
Morgan: "Hi. CODE WORD"
Me: "No, YOU never say the code word. Not to anyone! You ask them if they know the code word. And if they don't, you politely tell them that you cannot go with them, that's your mom's rule".
Morgan: "Oh, okay"
Me: "Want to practice again?"
Morgan: "Yeah"
Me: "Hi Morgan. Your mom said I should come pick you up"
Morgan: "If you don't know the code word, there's a rule about me not going with you"
Me: "Code word? Oh, I know the code word. It's "
Morgan: "I can't go with you"
Me: "Good!"

We did it a few more times, sometimes with me giving the right code word and sometimes with not knowing it. She's got the idea now. We talked about how it could be a total stranger, or it might even be someone she knows, but who is not allowed to pick her up. We came up with a few examples of those kinds of people, and I could tell that she was getting it.

We also talked about safety when we are together. I told her that if I were to ever tell her the code word when we are at home, she's to go get Bennett and take him into her room and lock the door. Or, if we are out in public, she's to take him to a safe place, like our car and shut the door. I told her that I would show her how to lock it. Morgan says, "I know that whenever it's dangerous, we should always lock the door." I explained, that that's sort of true, but the main thing is that she should only be concerned with getting her brother to the safe place we've talked about. I explained that if something were happening to me, she should only care about her and her brother and not what's happening to me. She was all, "Yeah, because we're little. And you're big, so you have to deal with it." Yeah, something like that.

Then, we went on to talk about taking things from strangers. I pretended I was a stranger offering ICE CREAM. You LOVE ice cream, Morgan! She looked for a moment like she would tell them YES, I'LL HAVE THE ICE CREAM. So, I explained to her that there may be something in the ice cream that could make her very sick. "Or kill me", she chimes in. Yes, or kill you. I told her about how when I was little they caught people putting razor blades into apples and candy at Halloween, so we would have to check the candy and all VERY CAREFULLY. I reminded her of how we've done this in the past. She asked, "Can't I just ask them if they've put something bad in the candy?" Ahh, my innocent daughter. I explained that BAD people aren't exactly going to tell you that they've done BAD things. She got it.

Next, we talked about inappropriate touching. This conversation nearly had me in tears. It's hard to even go there. But, we talked about it and I told her that no matter what, if this were to ever happen to her, she HAS to tell me. I told her that someone might do something bad to her and then tell her that they would hurt her or me or someone else in the family, but that she has to trust that I will take care of it and she HAS to tell me. She told me that she knew that I would take care of it. "I know just what you would do!" And I'm thinking, "yeah, I would find that SOB and..." and she says, "You'd call the police!" Smiling, I say, "Yes, you are right." That's the first thing I would do.

Hard discussions, this big girl talk. But, I want her prepared and I want her to know that her mother is NOT GOING TO LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO HER! I hope I was able to walk that fine line of preparing her for what could happen and not freaking her out.

I guess this is the scary part about having your heart walk around in the real world. All innocent and unknowing. Parenting is not easy.